I'm here tonight to write about something that I can't really write about.
This is my blog, not Mr. Wonderful's...and I choose to come here anonymously and write about my life, my feelings, to process what I'm trying to get through. The problem is that sometimes my thoughts and feeling are about things I can't really write about, because to do so would put Mr. Wonderful "out there", and he didn't make the choice to write a public blog.
So let's just say there is a situation in our relationship that came to a head about the same time that my fears took completely over, a situation in his life that affects me and my children, that he has to deal with, and played a part in our breakup. It is part of the reason we went to counseling, and our therapist helped us through it so far tremendously. It isn't causing friction really, just a big mountain he needs to climb and I need to support him through.
So here is where my feelings and anxieties come into play. He faces this giant mountain tomorrow. It could actually turn out to be just a molehill. But we don't know, and the anxiety and stress over this situation is eating away at both of us, but especially him. I feel like I'm watching him suffer and stress over this situation, and part of me feels responsible. I know it's a step in a positive direction for him, for us. I know the problem is not me. But I can't help but feel like if it weren't for me, he wouldn't be going through this. I feel awful.
I have an overwhelming anxiety to take care of him right now. I don't know if that stems from the guilt or what.
I have a fear that this is going to change us. I mean hopefully for the better. But I do fear the other as well.
I can't go to him with these fears and anxiety because to do so would make it more stressful on him, and this is his problem to face. But he is the one I turn to when I am anxious and worried, because he always calms me down. Having *him* be the one to stress and worry has me twice as freaked out...he is my rock...
Darn those fears sneaking in on me again.
I already know what I need to do. Time to gear up for independence mode for awhile and ride this out...use that trust that I've been working so hard on. Focus on other things for the time being.
SOOO out of my nature not to worry things to death. This is gonna be a tough one...