Monday, August 20, 2012


I'm slowly emerging back to life.

I remember very little detail of the past few weeks. I don't know if it's because I had to medicate myself so heavily just to be able to deal with the pain, or if I was just that detached or in my own head. I have pictures in my phone I don't remember taking. I have texts I don't remember sending. If I didn't have what I wrote here I would remember very little of how it felt. I don't know if that is my brain's way of protecting me or what, but it feels bizarre.

The anxiety effects of the anti-depressant seem to be getting better, although my jaw feels almost bruised from grinding my teeth. I'm starting to sleep again. My husband said he was glad to see my smile back this weekend. I have spent a lot of time with him and my puppy, alone. Luckily it was my kids' weekend at their dad's, and it was nice just to have the pressure off of being *needed* for a few days.

I admit that I'm still completely isolated, and feel awkward trying to come back from that. I don't want anyone to ask me where I've been and have to explain. I am so sensitive right now to anyone needing anything from me that I'm terrified to even reach back out. I don't want to go backwards. I don't want to be triggered back into the oblivion and guilt of the past few weeks. I need to get stronger and back to who I was. I need the medicine to take full effect. I need so many things right now so that I can have my life back.

But the steps are being taken, albeit small ones. I'm eating. I'm exercising. My kids are home and I'm tending to them. I left the house this weekend. I worked a little bit Friday. I had dinner with my best friend and our husbands that night, and could smile and even laugh.

I don't have much to say. There's a lot of empty space right now where the pain resided before. I'm sure that it will fill back up with the happy hum in the weeks and months to come, and just being able to say that says that I'm a million times better than I was before.

To my friends and those who left encouraging comments, thank you and I love you. To those suffering, hang in there. It does pass. Reach out if you have to. I'm scared to think of where I'd be right now without having done so.


  1. I'm glad to hear that you're seeing some light at the end of the tunnel... it IS there, promise.

    Hang in there. I hope your days keep getting brighter.

  2. i've thought of you often, this weekend, wondering how you were doing. glad you're on your way back...hugs...deb

  3. So glad to see that things are looking better for you! Hoping you find that happy hum again soon! :)

  4. I haven't commented because I never feel I have the right words, but you have been in my thoughts. I am so glad to see you feel like you are are one of the strongest and most determined people I know, I am confident you'll beat this. xoxo- Jen (the nice one in TN) ;)

  5. Well, I really wish that the clouds had parted and the sun was shining and the birds were singing 100% of the time for you. But, unfortunately, that is not the way with depression. I am glad that the clouds are parting a bit and I hope they continue to separate for you. And, I hope that nothing happens to send you back but, if it does, you have the strength and a great support network to handle it - so don't scare yourself to much. Many many hugs.

  6. i'm so glad that you see some so happy for you

  7. Please know that in the depths of the darkness, there is a small glimmer of light. It's hard to find most days but it's there. Believe in yourself. I have every confidence that you will make it through this crisis.