I feel like I can honestly say for the first time in almost 2 months that I am somewhat myself again.
It has not been easy, especially stepping back into my social life and working life. The thing about depression is that not everyone has been through it and so they don't really understand it. Maybe they've been sad before and depressed about their circumstances, but not as many have had their brain taken over by chemistry and hormones and just lost it for no real reason. And the thing about those people is that they tend to say and do the things that are super triggery. I'm in no way blaming them, it's just hard to know that you're going to face such a thing and then to actually do it. Guilt rules my world when I'm depressed, and when you've disappeared for 2 months, you're going to have to deal with the guilt of being gone. Such a difficult, slippery slope to navigate.
But so far for the most part, I've been able to do it and handle it. And I'm glad I have, because I missed my friends and laughing and just the lightness of day to day mundane life.
The plan for me was to take it slow back into reality. I came out of this "episode" right as my kids were heading back to school. I spent my days last week running the three of them to buy school supplies and clothes, haircuts, doctor and dentist visits, school meetings and events, etc...all that mom stuff. As busy as we were, it felt so good to be able to concentrate fully on them for the entire week, and it also opened my eyes to how pulled thin I feel the majority of the time. I'm trying to run two businesses and be a stay at home mom, and I just don't think it's working. I loved the feeling of being helpful to them, spending time with them, talking to them, laughing with them, without worrying about all of the other things I should be doing. I gave myself permission to just let those things go for a period.
I knew last weekend that this coming week would be a difficult one for me, considering what I've just gone through, and because it was going to be hard no matter what. My youngest, my baby girl, the one I was 8 months pregnant with when I first discovered that my first husband was cheating...started Kindergarten on Monday. I don't think either of us were ready. It snuck up on me, I guess like it did with the first two.
I've been dreading Kindergarten since her first day of Pre-K last year. Even with her in preschool, I've had her home two full days a week, and I saw her every morning and dropped her off at school, even when she spent the night with her dad. Now he drops her off at Elementary along with her big sister on his mornings, and I don't see her for almost a full 24 hours. And I struggle with my depressive thoughts of "Why did I have to get divorced and split my time with them?" "Why did I agree to this custody arrangement?" It's so hard not to get caught in that thought cycle. I feel like a bad mom even though I KNOW it was not my fault. And dammit, I just miss my kids.
Next week I plan to tackle my work again. All extra-curricular stuff is on hold until I find my footing again.
While the medication does seem to be helping, it's not perfect, and I have moments that still slip through. I'm sure that will be an ongoing thing that I will have to learn to deal with, and as long as it doesn't overwhelm me and suck me down the black hole that I was in the last 2 months, I should be ok.
My wonderful husband is getting me away this weekend, one last distraction while the kids are with their dad so I'm not sitting around being sad about it. My ex has decided lately to wage another war against me, luckily I've been able to laugh most of it off. I actually feel sorry for him, he seems to be stuck in a place of anger and hatred, all aimed at me. I'm removed enough to see it for what it is and as long as he's not threatening my time with them, it's all just sad.