Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Less Than Human

Stop the world, I wanna get off.

Sometimes, in my deepest and darkest moments, I wonder if depression is truly just a chemical imbalance, or if we as humans or maybe just Americans have made life so ridiculously difficult for ourselves that our brain chemistry cannot keep up and forces us to just stop.

I literally cannot make myself do....anything. The exercise is starting to go, too, which is just unheard of for me. I can't make myself eat. I have work piled up around me for miles. I have a new business I was getting off the ground that was doing really well that I've just....let fall apart. I can't face it. I cannot accurately describe the terror in my chest when I think of all the responsibilities that I face that I cannot make myself tackle. It's too much. Soccer forms and signups and school supplies and emergency paperwork and laundry and dishes and cooking and planning and keeping myself in shape and keeping my kids healthy and is my son depressed, too? and is my marriage starting to suffer? and there is too much crap in my house and so much work to do on my business that pays my bills and so much studying to do on the business I want to transition to so I'm happier and friends who are also suffering who probably need me right now and my ex husband wants to know if I'll start alternating holidays with him which I've NEVER done? and I'm letting my husband down by not getting my work done and making money and putting more pressure on him to pay our bills and this is definitely starting to wear on him too as well as everyone else in my life and there's ANOTHER soccer email coming in saying we need to fill out more forms and I haven't registered my baby for kindergarten yet even though it starts in a few weeks and they all need haircuts and backpacks and clothes....

and all I can do is try. I really, really try. I have every intention, every morning, of getting out of bed and just getting it done but my body seems to weigh a trillion tons right now, and making any contact with any person causes my chest to squeeze. I just want to stop feeling sad and anxious and worthless and I don't want one more person to ask one more thing of me.

I don't understand what has happened to me. I don't recognize myself. I was motivated and driven and happy. I'm just broken now. I'm less than human trying to become human again.

My husband took me to a doctor Monday and I shakily admitted to her that I have every single scary symptom of deep depression. I am a very proud person, and to sit there across from a stranger and my husband and admit that I am no longer in control of myself, and my thoughts, was humbling to say the least.

They started me on new medications which, as you can probably tell by the tone of this writing, are currently making me highly anxious. I hate feeling like a lab rat. I hate taking medication. I hate all of this. I need to accept it, I know.

I've also contacted a psychiatric program recommended by a good friend. I'm trying. I want to ask the world to forgive me but the world won't stop long enough to let me.


  1. you have reached out for help....hooray for you! continue to seek help and let those close to you in. i don't profess to know what you are going thru but reaching out as you have has to be a great step. try not to be too hard on yourself. "the wheel called life" does spin very fast(lightning speed at times) and I believe you can jump back on that wheel!

  2. oh, deanna...i hope you find peace soon. take care, and know there are many who care...deb

  3. I've read your blog for a long time, but have never commented. I feel your pain in your blog post and it just makes me so sad. I wish there was some magic pill you could take and it would make it all go away. Just know there are hundreads of us in the blogsphere who read your blog and are rooting for you BIG TIME!!! Keep plodding on. Sending you lots and lots of virtual hugs and love -- Rupa

  4. Sweet girl, I don't want to give you more to do, but please have your hubby pick up Vitamin B12, Magnesium, and Omega 3. If you aren't getting outside, do you think you could lay in a tanning bed? Please be very diligent to watch yourself mentally with these new meds and if you situation continues to worsen, call your Dr immediately or call 911 if you have to. We are cheering for you and supporting you. No pressure.

  5. Sending you big hugs and prayers that things start to get better for you. Life can be's fast and things don't slow down like we want them to. Just remember, one thing at at don't have to do it alone, and you don't have to do it all at once. Lean on friends, your super hubby and us out here in cyber world (virtural friends) for support - I can't make things better, but I can always send words of encouragement. You are strong, you are awesome and you are loved by many!
    Jenng (SC)

  6. You are stronger than I am. I know I need to go to the doctor, but I can't bring myself to do it. I hope you can catch your breath soon. You are not alone even though you feel like you are.

  7. Please don't expect so much from yourself. You are sick with a horrid illness and you need to take time and give yourself time to heal. I hate so much that you are hurting so much but I have faith in you that you will come out on top. Glad that you reached out for help. Keep taking the help - you have given so much to others that you need to take sometimes. If there is anything that I can do from afar (besides send you healing thoughts), just ask.

  8. No words, just love, and I'm here. Which you know I'm HERE in real life here, but I'm here also, and I love you to bits.

  9. Oh sweetie! I have been there more times than you can imagine. I am so sorry you are dealing with this horrible disease. It will get better. I know it feels like you won't but you will make it through this. I am here for you if you need anything. Hugs and love! -D