Deeper

I don't know what the hell is wrong with my Dad.

He didn't have strokes. He should be better. His prognosis should be better. It's not. It's WORSE.

No one is telling me anything. I don't know if they are trying to protect me or are leaving me out or what is happening. Somedays he seems fine and on a road to recovery. Other days he is childlike and unrecognizable. Either way, not the Dad I thought I would have after this operation.

I have anger towards the surgeon. How could you let this happen? What is wrong with him? Why are the rehab people saying things to us like he may never work again???

Anger. That's where I'm at. I'm angry. I miss my Dad. I miss picking up my phone and calling him. I miss our inside jokes. I miss our snide remarks. I miss him loving on his grandkids. I miss his smile that I don't see often enough.

Even worse is I'm so angry to be alone through this. I was happy to be alone, and now it's worse than it was before. I have no one. I sleep alone. I wake up in cold sweats with nightmares about my Dad and I am alone.

I just don't know how to get through this anymore. I drink, and it makes me sad. I take medication, and it doesn't touch anything. I scream and yell and nothing changes. I hit my steering wheel and cry. I sleep and I have nightmares about his changed face, or I dream that he's better and wake up to reality. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS.

I'm angry that the friends I thought would be here for me aren't. That I have to constantly explain how hard this is to people. That people want to change my feelings and invalidate my anger ("Look at the bright side!!!"). That I even have to worry about that shit right now. That I feel like I'm annoying those around me with my feelings of sadness and hopelessness and loneliness.

The hole in my life just got bigger because my Dad isn't here to help me anymore. He was a big part of why I was doing so well, and he's not here. I am falling apart.