Monday, March 16, 2009

quick update


-2 strokes, not one. One of the brainstem, one of the cerebellum.
-Breathing tube and Gtube taken out, he is now breathing on his own.
-He is alert and totally irritated and angry. He can't speak well and doesn't understand that or why his body isn't working like it's supposed to.
-he's not sleeping more than 15 minutes at a time.

I'm beyond exhausted. This has been such a traumatic experience. My Dad is so young, he's only 53, he plays guitar in a band, he plays raquette ball every week, to see him looking like an old man who has no control of his body is well, nightmarish. I keep hitting the wall, climbing over it, then hitting another one. I've exhausted all of my coping mechanisms.

I am in a very angry phase. My brother tonight put it best for me: "I've decided I don't care about being a good person anymore, because look what it gets you...a brain tumor and strokes." I agree with that except in my case it gets you divorce and the father you idolize with a brain tumor and two strokes all in 6 months.

The one good thing I can say is that people in general have been amazing. Dad's name has been added to prayer lists all over the country, I even heard today that monks in Washington added his name to their chants. Total strangers have offered to bring food. Friends are texting me off ledges in the middle of the night. Mostly I attribute this to my father. He is an amazing, amazing person, loves everyone, and he deserves this sort of treatment.

My kids are on spring break so I'm taking a little break from the hospital, going up at night only. I have been there 18 hours a day since last Tuesday. I am starting to look at my kids and worry that they won't talk or be able to look straight ahead. I'm delusional. Must recharge.


  1. *Huge Hugs* I am Sorry for all the Trauma Your Dad & family has had to endure. I can almost relate ~ My father had 2 strokes at 52 while getting up off the couch for another cup of Satuday morning coffee. The first was a minor stroke & he could still talk & walk. The Dr.s felt he didn't not nee the med. to prevent any future stokes because he seemed "Oout of the woods" Well less than 12 hours later my dad suffered a major stroke. It resulted in the loss of his ability to have have random speech & paralyzed his right side. It is so hard to see the strongest & most loved man in your life go through such a difficult situation. It suck and is so unfair. Over 5 years later my Dad is now on disability and is no longer able to work. He walks with a cane but for long distances uses a wheelchair. He can say small phrases like "Hi, How are you?" = conversational speech. He can answer yes and no questions and sometimes get a rare whole thought out. My dad worked full time, never missed a day of work (even with a broken arm) adored his wife, enjoyed his kids & grandkids more than life itself.

    It it's rough. Leave me a comment if you want to chat sometime....

  2. D... I know this is going to sound strange... but if you consider that God only gives us what we can handle, then He must really love your Dad and his family, because He knows you can do this. He never promises that bad things won't happen, only that He will always be there for you to lean seek comfort. God's will is always best, even when we don't see it because of the cloud of our own desires for the way we want things to go. I love ya girl...and hate to see you struggling. I'm praying for you and your family. Hang in there.

  3. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I'm thinking of you and yours--adding you all to my prayers here in Ohio.