Wednesday, June 17, 2009

On the Subject of Sex

This was brought up over at another blog and although because of who I know is reading, I have to be careful what I say here...but the discussion really got my wheels turning.

The last time I had non-married sex, I was 20. I was married just shy of 21, and my husband was one of only a few guys I'd ever been with(the others being absolute disasters).

So in my mind, my view of sex outside of marriage is still stuck in that high school mentality, because that's where I was at the last time I dealt with this.

Also add to the fact that the only hands on my body for the last 12 years were my husband's, and considering what he was doing behind my back, and we, ladies and gentlemen, have HANG UPS.

The last time I was "out there", good girls did not have sex. Like I mentioned before, I was brought up Southern Baptist and there was a HUGE stigma regarding sex; not only in my church, but in my family. It has been really hard for me to overcome, just in my marriage alone.

I am 32 years old. My religious beliefs no longer hold me back because they have changed. I am now at the maturity level of thinking things through before acting. So let's think about this:

I am a young, soon to be "legally" single woman who has normal needs and desires. I do not plan to be in a relationship ANYTIME SOON because I know I am not ready for it. So what about sex?

First of all, I need to explore all of these hang ups and stereotypes about women and sex. I write this very carefully and fearfully because I know, from experience, how many opinions there are on the subject. But in my mind, I don't see any reason, as long as I am careful, not to get out there and have some no-strings-attached fun when the time is right. To me, this is part of the new freedom that I love so much, something I never thought I'd have the opportunity to do, something I never GOT to do being such a young bride.

Even as I type this, I think about people reading this and judging me. I *know* that is irrational. This is my blog and my life and my business. It's one of the reasons I wanted to write about it. To kind of make a statement and push through that fear of judgment, because it's totally unnecessary. No one has to walk in my shoes but me, no one has to live my life but me, and my beliefs are my own.

And to be honest, thinking this through has helped me so much dealing with being alone. The realization that I don't HAVE to find a relationship before I can have physical touch is really very empowering. It takes the pressure off big-time.

Now this brings me to the second part: My Body.

Yes I am a young 32 year old woman in decent shape. I am also a woman whose son was a 9 lb baby, and I also breastfed all three children. It seems like more and more women are having their baby bellies tucked and their breasts "repositioned" (The Mommy Makeover). Since it is bathing suit season I have been thinking about this alot, because although I may look great with clothes on, but underneath my breasts look like empty pockets and my stomach has a pocket of stretched skin and stretch marks. I had all but decided that if I am going to be single again, then I had better get this all nipped and tucked. I mean, I thought about it ALOT. Like, was about to start a savings account.

But the more I think about it, the more I think that it would just be feeding my own insecurity. I am a whole person, not just body parts. I also think that, when would it stop? What would be next, my face? My stretch marks are a part of who I am. I gave birth to three gorgeous children, and I breastfed each of them and I am proud of that. At some point I just have to do the best I can and be happy with myself, flaws and all. Because the confidence that I would get from having plastic surgery is not the confidence that I am seeking; the confidence I am looking for is the one that you get from self-acceptance, no matter what.

I also think that this is something that will probably come with time and experience. Seeing that men WON'T go screaming out of the room when I take my clothes off. Overcoming both of these fears is going to just take time and practice.

Phew this was a tough one.


  1. First, this took guts. Bravo.

    Second, I don't envy you. Well, in a WAY I guess I do because, hello, new sex and new people and ego boosts and whee! But really, I don't, because the thought of someone other than my husband seeing my body naked, post-3 kids and at (nearly) 35? ACK! With HIM, I'm like "you better damn well appreciate this body, I gave you three children, WORSHIP ME" but somehow I don't think anyone else would appreciate the temple that is my body. :)

    As for sex without a relationship - no judgement, and no problem if you can do it without the emotional shit that comes along with it. I don't think I could...hell, maybe I could if I found myself single again, but I *think* I would get all stalker-ish and neurotic and attached, and not be able to have no-strings attached sex. But, seriously, more power to women that can do it. I HATE that it's socially "okay" for men to do it, but not for women. Screw that.

  2. Good. For. You. No judgement from me. :)

  3. No judgement from here are a smart, independent, beautiful, soon to be single woman.......Enjoy!

  4. I am so proud of you! This took major guts. And you know where I am with the whole plastic surgery thing. I wouldn't mind a little lift in the breast area at all! But I also think that you do need to get to the point where you are happy with yourself and your body first before doing any of it. Because, like you said, if you don't then you will always be wanting more.

    It is really hard to know if you will be able to think all man, about sex. I know it is possible. In my past short single life I was able to experience this and enjoyed it. But you have to be in the total right mindset. If you aren't it doesn't work and then you do get all attached and stalkerish. And it ain't pretty. So just make sure you get yourself into the fun mindset and anything will be possible. :)

  5. I've been right where you are and understand where you're coming from. First of all, most men you date will be divorced and also have kids. No they didn't give birth but they have an ex wife that did. They don't expect you to be a 21 yr old with a perfect body or that's what they would be dating. I promise you that men at this age are sooo different than what you remember.

    Also, (don't judge) but try a toy or 2 and get in touch with your body again. A woman in tune with her body and who knows what (and where) she wants it is a great thing for both parties :) It will also help you to feel more confident when the time comes (no pun intended).

    You are such a young, beautiful, strong lady and you are going to be just fine! I truly admire you!

    (I am soooo triple checking to make sure this is Anonymous!)

  6. I am *so glad* I posted this because I am enjoying these comments more than any others, ever.

    MVM-When I was married, I felt the exact same way. I mean, just months ago I did. This has been something brewing and it's a total new realization for me.

    Debbie-I think you know I can do it ;)And I promise that if I change my mind we will be doing the two-fer at the plastic surgeon's :)

    Anon #2 Gosh I have read your post multiple times now and soaked it all in...thank you so much for commenting with your experience. And the whole "toy" thing...let's just say that's covered. Or I would be losing my damn mind right about now :)

    So fun, like sitting around at a slumber party and giggling :)

  7. I am the 'anonymous' from a month ago or so. I am the remarried Mom of three who has had a major awakening in lots of areas. Your blog could be mine. I only had sex with my ex in the dark and I was very intimidated.

    And then came the man of my dreams. It was hard to understand and then accept that he was truly and completely in love with my body!! Once I learned to relax and enjoy, LIFE WAS GREAT!!

    You are on the right track. The freedom of being officially divorced will set you free. It may sound's just paperwork. You have been separated for a long time. But mentally you have been believing and behaving as if you were still married.

    There is so much fun to be had. You are a woman! A beautiful woman. The right man won't see the stretch marks or any other flaw. Because he will be so madly in love with you and your body nothing else will matter!!

    Just life as I see it.....Mom of three, remarried and loving life!!

  8. I hope you totally go for it! One of my very favorite quotes/advice (and one that I need to follow myself) is this:

    "Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own."

    Thanks for sharing!

  9. Oooh Alicia love that quote. Gonna write it down and put it on my nightstand :)

  10. No judgement at all. :)

    I think the think that's holding me back is my body ... oh, my goodness ... scares the crap out of me!

  11. a good man will respect you much more ,wthout sex ,outside a realationship..!!

  12. aaaaaand there it is.

    Anonymous, I will keep that in mind when I am looking for a good man!! (did you actually read my post?)

  13. We need to go out for a drink or two soon...


  14. When I first got divorced, I had just dumped 25 lb. So I was PROUD of whom I was. 5 years later and not dating and weight back on... ehhhh not so much. I have some walking to do. :)

    I feel your pain!