On the Subject of Sex

This was brought up over at another blog and although because of who I know is reading, I have to be careful what I say here...but the discussion really got my wheels turning.

The last time I had non-married sex, I was 20. I was married just shy of 21, and my husband was one of only a few guys I'd ever been with(the others being absolute disasters).

So in my mind, my view of sex outside of marriage is still stuck in that high school mentality, because that's where I was at the last time I dealt with this.

Also add to the fact that the only hands on my body for the last 12 years were my husband's, and considering what he was doing behind my back, and we, ladies and gentlemen, have HANG UPS.

The last time I was "out there", good girls did not have sex. Like I mentioned before, I was brought up Southern Baptist and there was a HUGE stigma regarding sex; not only in my church, but in my family. It has been really hard for me to overcome, just in my marriage alone.

I am 32 years old. My religious beliefs no longer hold me back because they have changed. I am now at the maturity level of thinking things through before acting. So let's think about this:

I am a young, soon to be "legally" single woman who has normal needs and desires. I do not plan to be in a relationship ANYTIME SOON because I know I am not ready for it. So what about sex?

First of all, I need to explore all of these hang ups and stereotypes about women and sex. I write this very carefully and fearfully because I know, from experience, how many opinions there are on the subject. But in my mind, I don't see any reason, as long as I am careful, not to get out there and have some no-strings-attached fun when the time is right. To me, this is part of the new freedom that I love so much, something I never thought I'd have the opportunity to do, something I never GOT to do being such a young bride.

Even as I type this, I think about people reading this and judging me. I *know* that is irrational. This is my blog and my life and my business. It's one of the reasons I wanted to write about it. To kind of make a statement and push through that fear of judgment, because it's totally unnecessary. No one has to walk in my shoes but me, no one has to live my life but me, and my beliefs are my own.

And to be honest, thinking this through has helped me so much dealing with being alone. The realization that I don't HAVE to find a relationship before I can have physical touch is really very empowering. It takes the pressure off big-time.

Now this brings me to the second part: My Body.

Yes I am a young 32 year old woman in decent shape. I am also a woman whose son was a 9 lb baby, and I also breastfed all three children. It seems like more and more women are having their baby bellies tucked and their breasts "repositioned" (The Mommy Makeover). Since it is bathing suit season I have been thinking about this alot, because although I may look great with clothes on, but underneath my breasts look like empty pockets and my stomach has a pocket of stretched skin and stretch marks. I had all but decided that if I am going to be single again, then I had better get this all nipped and tucked. I mean, I thought about it ALOT. Like, was about to start a savings account.

But the more I think about it, the more I think that it would just be feeding my own insecurity. I am a whole person, not just body parts. I also think that, when would it stop? What would be next, my face? My stretch marks are a part of who I am. I gave birth to three gorgeous children, and I breastfed each of them and I am proud of that. At some point I just have to do the best I can and be happy with myself, flaws and all. Because the confidence that I would get from having plastic surgery is not the confidence that I am seeking; the confidence I am looking for is the one that you get from self-acceptance, no matter what.

I also think that this is something that will probably come with time and experience. Seeing that men WON'T go screaming out of the room when I take my clothes off. Overcoming both of these fears is going to just take time and practice.

Phew this was a tough one.