Tuesday, June 9, 2009

A Vent.

I just read a blog post by someone, who I think was well-meaning, about a friend who is going through a divorce. It was sort of posted under the guise of "I'm concerned" but the underlying tone was "They're not trying hard enough and it will never happen to me."

Because just recently, I was on the receiving end of this same judgement by an old "friend", it really zinged me, and rather than leaving a long ranting comment on their blog sure to start an argument, I decided to come here and get it out.

I grew up in an extremely religious household, southern Baptist. I was always told by my parents that divorce was wrong and they didn't believe in it. All of my life. Yet my parents were miserable with each other; there were affairs, there was tension, there was humiliation, and there was ALWAYS something missing. I just thought that this was how life was, because I didn't know any better. My parents divorced finally after 30 years of marriage, after I myself had been married for 8 or 9 years and had 2 kids. Both married again and both are extremely happy with their new spouses.

My marriage was almost an exact copy of my parent's marriage. It was acceptable to me because I thought that this was the way marriage was, this was the way life was supposed to be. My kids, I can see now, felt the tension and were on their way to having this way of life engrained in their little heads. WHY would I want this for them, and not the life I described in my last post, when I LOVE them????

Yes, the initial break up was very hard on them. Getting used to a new routine took some time. But now?? My kids are HAPPY. Well-adjusted. My son who is a gifted student and had been making C's brought his grades up to straight A's. My children live in a house free of tension, free of negativity; it is now the way it is supposed to be, full of love and support. But I don't have to tell you guys this because I write about it all the time. Mommy is happy, and now everyone else is too.

My problem with this particular blog was the use of God's name to judge those who divorce. Because what I really think happens is that people get scared, insecure about their own marriages and comfort themselves by saying "They didn't pray hard enough" "They didn't work on it hard enough" or whatever the case may be. It is people like this who have given divorced people the stereotype that exists. We just didn't try hard enough. We are not Godly. We are selfish. We don't care about our kids.

Before you make dangerous and hurtful accusations about someone else's life, ask yourself- Have you been in their marriages? Have you lived their lives, walked in their shoes? How in the world can you know what is best for anyone else but yourself? Doesn't the Bible that you are quoting from say "Judge lest ye be judged?"

I could go on and on but I think I will stop, point made, feel better, over now.


  1. I believe that I read this same post and I think that your situation may have given you a slant that I don't believe was intended by the blogger. She actually doesn't mention God in the post, but He is mentioned in the comments. I think that no matter what the situation may be that people grieve when two individuals divorce and I believe that is what she was saying, as well as that it allowed she & her husband to talk about their own marriage & commitment, and that's a good thing.

  2. Knowing the blogger, I know she didn't mean it that way (I see how you interpreted it that way, but she honestly isn't like that).

    But yes, some of the comments? Completely self-righteous. I HATE that attitude. The REALITY of life is that you don't always have a CHOICE when the goal is contingent on another person feeling the same way, making the same choices, wanting the same things. You can pray all the livelong day, but if your spouse/partner doesn't feel the same way, well, the God *I* believe in doesn't exactly swoop in and fix things.

    I'm proud of you for restraining yourself! :)

  3. Reading the blog again without reading the comments, I can see what you both mean. I think the comments warped my view of the original post. One comment in particular is what fueled this entire post, where someone actually calls people who divorce "selfish".

  4. The "selfish" comment really got to me as well. It wasn't exactly her blog that bothered me as much as the comments. No one knows every detail of anyone's marriage but their own. And it's unrealistic to expect anyone to be miserable when their spouse refuses to make the same sacrifices.

    As much as I hate Dr. Phil, he is right when he says that marriage is 100/100. If one partner refuses to give their 100, then by all means, do what you have to do.

  5. This seems to be a popular topic lately. I have read a couple other blogs all talking about the same thing. Is it the season for divorce?

    When I read the blog, it didn't bother me too much but the comments really did.

    I saw the blogger as a very caring friend that may still be very insecure in her own relationship.

    But those bible beaters just kill me.

    My parents, who were missionaries for 15 years, went through 8 years of marraige counseling and church counseling to try and fix their marraige. And let me tell you they pray like no one else you will ever meet. And they still were not able to fix their marraige. And I was a much happier child when they finally got divorced.

    God cannot fix everything the way you want it fixed. I think he wants you to figure things out the hard way sometimes because he knows you will be a better person in the end.

    Everyone is entitled to their opinions but it really irks me when people place blame before knowing what the whole story is. Especially when you are calling people names like selfish, and you know nothing of the relationship.

    And I for one can say that I know I made the right decision when I chose to divorce my ex. It was hard when we split but my life has become so much stronger and fuller since then that I would not do anything to change it.

    At least thats the way I see it. If you don't agree, more power to you. Just don't force your ideas on other people. (the "you" is not you(DSM) but the "you" in general, i totally agree with *you*):)

  6. You just cannot let those people take up space in your head. They've never been where you and I have been, and God willing never will be. I grew up strict Southern Baptist too, and some of my family chose to cut me off when I left my husband. It didn't matter what he'd done. I wasn't submissive enough, or quiet enough, or just "enough". But it was enough, kwim?

    Let go of their judgment, of their "kindnesses and condescension", and live your life. God understands. ((HUGS))