Monday, August 10, 2009

All is Well

He left to go back overseas on Saturday.

We spent every single waking (and non-waking) moment together for the 6 day reprieve that we got from his cancelled flight.

We talked all night, all day. I feel as if I've always known him. He feels the same about me.

He printed up a list of questions he found online, "86 questions to ask someone on a first date". After less than 3 weeks, we found he already knew the answers to most of them.

I swore to my friends that there was no one out there for me. That I would hold everyone from here on out at arm's length. That I'd never trust again. That no one would be right for me because of all my stipulations and baggage.

And yet here he is. Placed in my life as if by a force greater than us.

I'm not dillusional. I have my head on straight. I am being super analytical. Watching for red flags and such. I've talked through any thing I've seen with him. He has assured me that I am not crazy. We have found each other...this is for real.

On Saturday, I drove him to the airport. We stood in the terminal holding onto each other for an hour before he finally had to go through security and head back. We talked about how we were going to make this work. How it would make us stronger...sharpen our communication skills, give both of us time to think things through and tie up loose ends. And then he looked at me and said "It's time." Until that point, I had my thoughts together, I had control of my emotions. Those words left his lips and I lost it. Started not only crying, but sobbing. Yes it is temporary. But here I found something AMAZING, someone who I never thought could even exist...and he is leaving to go halfway across the world. As far away as you can get without coming back closer.

I cried. He reassured me that we would be ok. That I was strong and independent and a whole and complete person without him, and that I'd be fine. That this was good for us. I knew it all to be true, but I couldn't stop the tears. Then the sobs. He walked through security. Walked over to kiss me. Got to the other side, blew me a kiss, and that was the last I saw of him. The next time I see him in person, it will be cold outside, and Christmas decor will surround us.

Where does that leave me??? I am being very honest here because this blog is here to help me. I will go on some dates. I've already had some guys I've been in contact with in the past call and/or email me. I'm gonna go through with it. But I don't want to.

The struggle here for me, and even for some of my friends: I need to find a balance between doing what I need to do, and figuring out WHY I even need to do it in the first place, and not losing the best thing that's come along. Ever. There are details I'll never go into because they're so sacred. This man thinks I am amazing, and that is mutual. He sees ME, the real me. He brings out my best. He has my children's best interest in mind. He is willing to forego having his own children for their sake and mine. He has his own admirable goals and dreams, and is already following through on his plans. He's smart. He's funny. He's devoted to his family and friends. How often does this happen?? I'm walking a fine line between being "realistic" and smart, and hanging on to something so obviously amazing and meant to be. It's tough. The realist in me is battling the romantic in me. Who will win....


  1. Wow... I love love love this post - because I'm like you in so many ways, so very much a realist that the divine is almost incomprehensible to me - and yet... somehow... I still believe!

    Without truly knowing you, or him, I honestly FEEL and sense and believe with every cell in my being that you two are meant to be!!!! And I so get what you say about not even being able to blog about some things between the two of you because they are just so sacred that they can't even be reduced to mere words...

    I know you'll survive this distance - and I'm pretty sure the love you two share will become AMPLIFIED!

    I'm so glad that you have such a great group of girlfriends to go out with and have fun with and who will keep you sane! Please please please don't waste your time dating any random guys - its far too late for that because you'd be wasting your time and theirs - your heart is set on THIS man, and even though you're not physically together, you're still very much spiritually and emotionally together through the distance and until you're reunited again!

    I am ecstatic for you! Peace and love!!!!!

  2. CMC...your post helped me more than you know :) Thank you.

  3. D- I am so excited for you. You’ve had so much on your plate and you deserve something wonderful. Life can be very unexpected and rewarding. I found myself relating to this blog. It wasn’t that long ago I told you I was having such a hard time with my breakup and back in June a friend of mine told me about her hubby’s friend and thought we should meet. James & I clicked from day 1. The girls took a little bit of time, but he’s been great with them and enjoys being with them. He took me to Georgia (work for him) and then he took us to Galveston & Mobile, Ala/Dauphin Island on vacation. When he’s in town we’re constantly together and when he’s away he calls every morning and every night. I finally feel happy & complete. So, no you’re not crazy. Sometimes when things are right, they’re just right! I’ve never believed in the “You need 5 yrs before you begin dating after a divorce” or whatever other time length someone spouts out to you. People heal at different rates, just whatever you do, do NOT carry hang ups from the marriage into this new relationship. This has probably been the toughest for me- letting go of what happened in my marriage.


    PS Do you know where he found the 86 questions?

  4. Wow....what a heart touching post! I'm so pleased that you have found this in your life. It brings you happiness and that is worth so very much. Life is so short, and so precious....embrace it.

  5. Ok, it has taken me 2 days of reading to catch up to this point in your life. I love the way you write and think that your path to get where you seem to be is amazing, painful and so real. It is rare that I get emmersed in a blog the way I have been for the last 2 days in yours. It always seems strange to me to feel connected to someone by reading portions of there life on a computer, but it does happen. We have completely different lives and I can't say at all that I relate, but you seem amazing and I wish that in some weird way that long ago I would have been put in a earth shakingly hard situation that would have MADE me work through things and Desperatly seek ME. I am 38 and still making crap decisions. I know that you may think this is strange and I mean this in a very respectful way, but I envy you. For finding you and going through all of the stages and coming out stronger.
    You seem like you could be ready for this relationship and you DO deserve it, but I think that as you told him in your last post, that you were going to keep dating and completely get things ready over the next 4 months, is a great idea. It is kind of one of those "If it was meant to be" or "Absense makes the heart grow fonder" things. You will get to see more of why he is so great, when you date others. It will just give you more of the "this is so good" concept when you see how other men are and their ways of treating women. It could make you that much more SURE of him . I know it will be hard since the feeling like you two have right now doesn't come around very often, but having 3 kids makes you have to be extra certain. This time away will allow you to step back and really get to know eachother without the physical clouding anything.
    I look forward to hearing about how this all unveils itself and completely wish you happiness.
    You deserve it.

  6. I am seriously so happy for you! I know you deserve every moment of happiness you are handed. Girl you have been through enough shit that it is your time. I really do believe you have found the soul mate that you have been searching for. Like you said, when you know you know. Do whatever you feel you need to do dating wise. Luckily you have had the chance to go out and party and be wild and single for the past year. So now its time to move on to the next step of single hood, seriously dating and getting to know someone. Mr. Wonderful seems to fit the bill. ;) I knew there was someone out there just for you and I truly believe you have found him. Like I told you, you had to go through all that crap for some reason, right? Now you are getting the payback- the princess treatment. Love you!

  7. LOVE all these comments ( tears to my eyes...and yes, I'd go through it all again in a heartbeat to get to where I am now.)

    J he googled "questions to ask on a first date", it was on some blog. There are books like that too at barnes and noble.