So I am now in month two of my long distance relationship with Mr. Wonderful. It is everything and nothing like I imagined it to be.
We Skype almost every day at some point. This has proven to be very difficult because our days and nights are completely opposite. There are a few brief windows where we are both near computers, his morning and my nighttime, and then my morning and his evening. We have jammed a lifetime of conversation into these tiny windows of "face"time.
People kept telling me that a long distance relationship would sharpen our communication skills and make us stronger. I honestly didn't see how.
But after the last several weeks of having nothing to do but talk talk talk, I am amazed at how true that is.
Our talks are intense, passionate, and stimulating. We have already had several disagreements, but I have learned something great from these disagreements: I AM SAFE WITH HIM.
Something very interesting that just came up...we had two nights of conversation with several disagreements back to back. I panicked when I realized that he must be starting to see me as a whole entire person, scars and all....and there are SO MANY. My plan for my future post-divorce and as a single mom to three kids, was to keep men at arms length, because I couldn't imagine someone being strong enough to deal with all of my baggage; and frankly, I didn't want to see it all unravel. Who wants to be there, vulnerable, while the man you have feelings for discovers exactly how screwed up you are thanks to the cards you've been dealt? It seems like insult to injury. I think that this is why, in the beginning, I pushed him away and felt so averse to him. He thought I was this amazing, wonderful strong person, and maybe I am...but sooner or later he would find out the truth. That I have trust issues, that I have so many fears, that I have an ex who will be in the picture until the kids are grown, that I am insecure about my body, that I tend to run away from pain and confrontation, that I tend to think the worst after so much has gone wrong. The raw, real me, the good the bad and the ugly.
And because of our accelerated situation, we're now in the throes of that part. He has seen all of the above.
This all came to a head today. He was being calm, understanding, and amazing while I freaked out. But my scared little girl voice in my head was telling me "Run, run now, run fast. It's just a matter of time before he can't take this anymore and leaves anyways." I was rude to him, short, and punished him for nothing. I told him hey, this is it. Love me or leave me, but this is who I am.
I fell asleep and woke up to a beautiful email from him. The first line: "I choose love."
The rest of the email went on and on about how I am safe with him, and that as long as I love him and never betray him, nothing that I say or do will make him leave me. It was a letter of reassurance, of promise, of love. It's as if I threw a tantrum and he waited patiently for me to stop, then embraced me and said he understood. Wow. It takes my breath away.
Tonight I saw the movie Julie and Julia with two girlfriends. The movie is centered around two marriages. I was thinking about the blog post I wrote not that long ago about how I couldn't watch movies like that anymore, because I wasn't sure that kind of love existed for me, and it just depressed me.
Now here I am not only living the kind of love they make movies about, but I think my love is better.
Another really great thing about him being across the world is that I am forced to continue to live my life, and learn to incorporate my relationship in slowly. I still hang with my precious friends, I had a date night Friday with my son, I am seeing a concert this weekend, I'm enjoying my career, I'm still living the happy life that I made for myself before I ever met Mr. Wonderful. I never want to give it up. He is and will be a great addition to it. But never again will I need to rely on anyone else for happiness, it's there already. He is just the icing on the cake.