It's truly amazing how terrified I am of being judged.
I know where it comes from and I've always been this way. I know that friends and people who read my blog worry about me because I've been hurt SO MUCH over the past few years.
But right now, I feel like everything in my life that has ever happened to me has prepared me for this moment.
I remember when my parents got divorced. I was probably more devastated over that than the failure of my own marriage. I was 28 years old, and they had been married for 30 years. Their relationship was my foundation. It was all I knew of love. Did I ever think that in just a few years, I would be so grateful that they divorced that I can't imagine it not happening? No. But God. This was meant to be. My father lies in a hospital bed right now, and has been there for FIVE MONTHS. First of all, had my parents still been together, my Dad would not have health insurance right now. His work dropped his after 3 months, and my mom is self-employed. My Dad's wife works and has the best health insurance that has covered just about everything. Second, while I may not feel that Dad's wife is the perfect "step-mother" for ME, I 110% acknowledge that she is my father's soulmate. The person who was meant to get him through this. If not for her vigilance and devotion to him, my Dad might LITERALLY be dead right now. She watches out for him, she raises questions. She has caught things that the doctors missed, more than once. She keeps his spirits up. She loves on him and snuggles with him and does her own physical therapy with him. I used to be upset that his wife had sort of taken my place in my Dad's life. But I couldn't handle this. Not with the situation I went through, not with my three kids, not at all. I am so grateful for the way things turned out. That's such an understatement.
Many nights I have cried myself to sleep wondering why I have had such a tumultuous life. I don't feel I've done anything to deserve it or to bring it upon myself. Everything that has happened has been out of my control. It has all been so incredibly devastating. But from everything I've been through, I've learned...I've perfected...I've listened to the lessons...I've changed...I've regrouped...and I came out stronger, wiser. I really, really like who I have become. I'm grateful for the bad because it created so much good.
I have been able to find my own happiness without outside influence. I found it inside of myself. And the minute I did that, I found the icing on the cake. Mr. Wonderful.
He is what everything in my life has been leading up to. I've never been so sure about anything before, EVER. I never felt this way about my husband. I never felt this way about anyone. It's as if the energy between us has always existed, and we just tuned into it. This is IT. This is the pendulum swinging the other way, paying me back for the years of hardship and difficulty. This is what it was leading up to. Because if I had not experienced all of those things, I would not have been in the place to find him. And if I had not lived through so much darkness, I would not appreciate the unimaginable beauty of the light.
And so yes, I decided not to see other people. I could put hundreds of men together with the qualities I wanted in a man, in a relationship, and not find someone so perfect for me as Mr. Wonderful. Something I have learned over the course of the demise of my marriage is to listen to my instincts. The thought of dating others and wasting everyone's time just literally made me sick to my stomach. The fact that he was so patiently waiting for me to do this because he knew I felt I needed to made it that much harder to go through with. I just know. I don't need anyone else.
I understand that people will worry for me. I love them for that. I know this is a huge risk, or that it may seem like one to the outsider looking in. I love what my sister-in-law said about me. That I don't do anything half-ass, that I go big. In everything...my job, my family, my friends...to win big, you have to take risks. Yes, I might lose him and I might be hurt. But I'm ok with that, because the pain of that could be nothing compared to how this feels now, and I will always be happy that I went through this. My own personal fairytale.
And to someone who has never experienced that moment of "synergy" with someone else, it's going to be hard to understand. I myself, before meeting Mr. Wonderful, would have looked at this situation as a huge mistake. That's before the light went off. I know I have made the right decision. I feel it so strongly. This is right.
He has been back in Afghanistan for a week. We keep a blog for just the two of us that is private. We write to each other everyday and post pictures. We Skype every night. It's going to be a long 4 months (106 days to be exact :) ), but again, I feel like it was meant to be. I'll be able to perfect living my own life and being my own person, and slowly incorporate a relationship into that. I'm learning, he's learning. Our communication skills will be sharpened by being half a world away.
Something he wrote to me this morning on our blog I think really sums up my future with him:
"There is so much I want to do and experience with you. Everything I have ever done I want to do it again, but this time I want to do it with you."
I, my friends, am madly in love with Mr. Wonderful.