Sitting here trying to work and feeling totally and completely overwhelmed with life. I don't even know that "overwhelmed" is a strong enough word. I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean and it's thunderstorming on top of me.
I know my posts lately have been super happy and I am still happy with that aspect of my life. I wonder sometimes if being so close to having a partner again is making me impatient with doing it all on my own.
Or it could be the fact that it's August, school is about to start, my busiest time of year with work is also cranking up, and sometimes single motherhood just SUCKS.
Maybe it's the fact that my soon to be ex is enjoying himself this week on a vacation in my favorite place in the world with God knows who, and I'm here with no co-parent to ask for help.
First there's back to school. New clothes, new shoes, new backpacks, school supplies, school lunches, paperwork paperwork and more paperwork, open houses, meet the teacher, parent orientations, grade level meetings. Times three. Then there are extracurricular activities. Soccer practice and games, basketball, gymnastics, and dance. The exhaustion of practice nights when practice falls smack in the middle dinnertime, and rushing three kids out the door to get there on time, making sure we are in the correct clothes and shin guards and have all the right equipment and water. Times three. Then we have the busy season for work. On top of the already overwhelming duties of laundry, cleaning, cooking, buying groceries, and making sure our sick dog doesn't die. I'm behind on bills. I need to find health insurance. I have paperwork to sort through to finalize the divorce. I need to take my ex off of all my accounts. All while a two, six, and 10 year old terrorize my house.
My shower doesn't work, I need to get a plumber out. My carpet and couch are disasters. My office is a disaster. Everything is a mess.
I feel like a horrible mother. My kids watch way too much tv and never listen to me. I've been yelling a lot.
I feel myself hitting that spiral point where I'm starting to lose control. I can't seem to sit down and get anything done. My mind just wanders to the next problem and then the next, then I start beating myself up for everything, then I panic over it all. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
When I get to this point I just become paralyzed. I'm hoping that sitting it down and writing it all is going to help me sort through and mobilize again.
But all I really want to do is crawl under my covers and hide.