...I wrote this:
If you are the praying kind please keep my Dad in your prayers and thoughts tomorrow. I love him so much and although I know in my heart he will be ok, tomorrow will be the longest day of my life. And very difficult to see someone I look up to so much put in such a vulnerable, scary place.
A year ago today, I had dinner at my father's house, just around the corner from my own home. We all barely ate, he snuggled with my children, and although the fear was definetly there, I was confident that everything would go just like the doctors said they would. Maybe a little hearing loss in one ear. Maybe some balance issues. I still believed in God, and the fact that I had JUST lost my marriage and was in an enormous amount of stress and emotional turmoil meant that God knew I could not handle more, and that the "balance" of my life was so uneven that there was no way it could get worse.
And up until that point, I just knew that if a doctor says to you, "You may have hearing loss" it only meant "You might have hearing loss but probably not because I'm giving you worse case scenario." I believed in doctors. In the medical system in general. I had never heard of a doctor whose ego greatly exceeded his ability. But unfortunately, the man standing in front of us that next morning, the one whose hands I so blindly put my father's life in, was just that kind of doctor. Now I know they are out there. (although I hope that as soon as we are done with him, there will be one less in practice)
I didn't know that I was saying goodbye. Yes, my father is still alive. But when I visited him last week, he mouthed to me (he still can't speak) to "Drop me off at home". He hasn't walked in a year, he's connected to a feeding tube and a trach, and hasn't seen his home in a year. He is not really my father as I have known him my whole life. The man who was the first in the delivery room each time I had a baby, the first to hold each one. The man whose shoulder I cried on and offered ME comfort when he found out about HIS tumor. The man who walked me down the aisle, who taught me about music, walked everywhere with me on his shoulders as a little girl. His eyes are there. His love for me and my kids is there. His memories are still there. I do take comfort in that.
I tried to steer clear of the "a year ago's" until today, and once I let myself go there, it was like opening Pandora's box. My life a year ago was a hospital every single day and night, cafeteria food when I could get something down, friends bringing dinners, finding new coping mechanisms (my brother and I spent almost every evening the first few weeks at a bar), and just generally finding a way to get through each second. I've come a long way since then. Dad has not. It doesn't seem fair.
Dad is in a rehab center now. About 3 months ago he was at what must have been his 10th rehab center, developed another CDIFF infection (staph), started having seizures, and basically was a conscious vegetable for the next couple of months. All progress he had made was gone. He has been recovering at a specialty hospital all this time and they finally felt he was up to try rehab again. As I said, he is able to mouth sentences to me now, and they have him exercising. It's progress. But I've pretty much accepted that he will never be the same.
A year ago today marks the end of my optimism, my belief that life is fair and balanced, and that bad things don't happen to good people.
I miss life the way it was. My Dad was the one person in my life who I knew I could call up any day of the week, day or night, say I wanted to have lunch or dinner together, and no matter what he had planned he would drop them to see me. How lucky was I to have someone in my life that loved me like that, that wanted to be with me like that. I knew it too. And that's the one thing I'm grateful for. Dad and I both knew what a special relationship we had (and he had just as great of one with my brother, too). I have known my whole life that my Dad is the greatest man alive, not just a daughter's bias...many people feel that way and so many people who know him are also left scratching their heads wondering how something so tragic could happen to someone so great.
There is a huge hole in my heart that will never be filled by anyone else. And I will continue to hold out hope for some sort of medical miracle, somewhere deep inside where I can't access it until it happens.
A year ago today was the birth of this version of me. A little bitter, a lot stronger, and missing her Daddy so much that it hurts.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Awwwwwwkward.
Gah, someone tell me the whole Ex husband thing gets easier at some point. Or maybe typical ex husbands aren't as dramatic and immature as mine.
Mr. Wonderful has been very slowly, one by one, getting to know my kids (as Mommy's friend). Two of them had soccer games this weekend and they have been asking me when he was going to come to one. We felt like now might be the right time for that. I emailed The Ex ahead of time to let him know he would be meeting Mr. W.
First of all, a little background. My parents divorced not that long ago, after 30 years of marriage. Within months of the divorce, both were remarried. The divorce was every bit as bitter and angry as one can be, and there were major feelings of resentment at both remarriages. SO. FUN.
My parents were able to avoid each other except for one venue: my son's baseball games, every weekend for months. I would be sitting happily, watching my son play, chatting it up with my friends, and then each set of parents/spouses would arrive and it's like a dark cloud moved in. Every second felt like an hour.
Nevermind that I wasn't even adjusted to the idea yet that after 30 years of my life, my parents weren't together, much less not speaking to each other. That was enough to try and wrap my mind around. One parent would make a well meaning gesture towards the opposite step parent and that would be greeted with a snide remark. Both parents strained for my attention. I literally made sure I was sitting equal distances between the two or they would be offended. I made sure I was splitting my conversation up equally. My Dad's wife loved to make mean comments about my mother within her earshot and I just wanted to DIE and also slap her at the same time (but would risk hurting my Dad that way)
After some time, when they would show up, I would get up and walk to the baselines to watch the game. I just quit trying. I loved my son's games, and they ruined it for me.
So, that being said, there was good reason that I was so incredibly anxious about these two meeting. I knew my ex would act aloof and distant. It's his defense mechanism. Mr. Wonderful is polite and mature and I knew I would never have to worry about him starting anything.
My ex brought his ENTIRE EXTENDED FAMILY. I guess as a buffer??? Who knows. We walked up and as I was running through in my head how to introduce the two of them, Mr. W walked right over to my ex, put his hand on his shoulder, extended his hand and introduced himself. The Ex looked surprised, barely said a word back, turned around and ignored us the rest of the game. Really, not too bad.
Then, at the second game, my mother started acting a little weird. She hates my ex and I guess was trying to "rub it in"?? And made big loud statements to Mr. W about "let's get together soon" and gave him big hugs and laughed loudly at his jokes. My youngest (who LOVES Mr. Wonderful) started asking him to play and jumping to him from the bleachers and laying her head on his shoulder. No one said anything but you could feel the stares and the tension from The Ex and his extended family.
After the game was over, I took the kids over to The Ex's car, which was parked a good two rows away. He got them in as Mr. W and I walked back to my car. We had driven separately and stood at my car for awhile talking about how things had gone. I noticed The Ex drive off so we got a little more snuggly. After 10 minutes or so, Mr W looked over and saw that The Ex had come back, a row away on the opposite side of us now. They made eye contact, and The Ex drove off. Weird enough, then 10 minutes later The Ex shows up on the road directly behind the both of us. Stalking maybe??
I hope not. But as I told Mr. W, The Ex gets very emotional over things, and I could see him seeing us together the first time as a big trigger for him. He loses control of his boundaries and goes a little nutty, like he did when he first found out I was seeing someone. I hope that was the extent of it and that it's over now.
I wish so much that The Ex and I were more amicable. We are civil. But I HATE HATE HATE all this tension. I hope it was just the first time and that over time things will change.
Mr. Wonderful has been very slowly, one by one, getting to know my kids (as Mommy's friend). Two of them had soccer games this weekend and they have been asking me when he was going to come to one. We felt like now might be the right time for that. I emailed The Ex ahead of time to let him know he would be meeting Mr. W.
First of all, a little background. My parents divorced not that long ago, after 30 years of marriage. Within months of the divorce, both were remarried. The divorce was every bit as bitter and angry as one can be, and there were major feelings of resentment at both remarriages. SO. FUN.
My parents were able to avoid each other except for one venue: my son's baseball games, every weekend for months. I would be sitting happily, watching my son play, chatting it up with my friends, and then each set of parents/spouses would arrive and it's like a dark cloud moved in. Every second felt like an hour.
Nevermind that I wasn't even adjusted to the idea yet that after 30 years of my life, my parents weren't together, much less not speaking to each other. That was enough to try and wrap my mind around. One parent would make a well meaning gesture towards the opposite step parent and that would be greeted with a snide remark. Both parents strained for my attention. I literally made sure I was sitting equal distances between the two or they would be offended. I made sure I was splitting my conversation up equally. My Dad's wife loved to make mean comments about my mother within her earshot and I just wanted to DIE and also slap her at the same time (but would risk hurting my Dad that way)
After some time, when they would show up, I would get up and walk to the baselines to watch the game. I just quit trying. I loved my son's games, and they ruined it for me.
So, that being said, there was good reason that I was so incredibly anxious about these two meeting. I knew my ex would act aloof and distant. It's his defense mechanism. Mr. Wonderful is polite and mature and I knew I would never have to worry about him starting anything.
My ex brought his ENTIRE EXTENDED FAMILY. I guess as a buffer??? Who knows. We walked up and as I was running through in my head how to introduce the two of them, Mr. W walked right over to my ex, put his hand on his shoulder, extended his hand and introduced himself. The Ex looked surprised, barely said a word back, turned around and ignored us the rest of the game. Really, not too bad.
Then, at the second game, my mother started acting a little weird. She hates my ex and I guess was trying to "rub it in"?? And made big loud statements to Mr. W about "let's get together soon" and gave him big hugs and laughed loudly at his jokes. My youngest (who LOVES Mr. Wonderful) started asking him to play and jumping to him from the bleachers and laying her head on his shoulder. No one said anything but you could feel the stares and the tension from The Ex and his extended family.
After the game was over, I took the kids over to The Ex's car, which was parked a good two rows away. He got them in as Mr. W and I walked back to my car. We had driven separately and stood at my car for awhile talking about how things had gone. I noticed The Ex drive off so we got a little more snuggly. After 10 minutes or so, Mr W looked over and saw that The Ex had come back, a row away on the opposite side of us now. They made eye contact, and The Ex drove off. Weird enough, then 10 minutes later The Ex shows up on the road directly behind the both of us. Stalking maybe??
I hope not. But as I told Mr. W, The Ex gets very emotional over things, and I could see him seeing us together the first time as a big trigger for him. He loses control of his boundaries and goes a little nutty, like he did when he first found out I was seeing someone. I hope that was the extent of it and that it's over now.
I wish so much that The Ex and I were more amicable. We are civil. But I HATE HATE HATE all this tension. I hope it was just the first time and that over time things will change.
Monday, March 1, 2010
I've Never Been Happy
All of my life, since the time I was around 12 years old, I have suffered from some degree of depression.
Granted. My life has been kinda hard to deal with. Major trauma and abuse as a pre-teen, the aftermath as a teen, the loss of my first child, a debilitating illness, the divorce of my parents, my own tumultuous marriage and divorce, and my father's brain tumor and botched surgery. All before my 33rd birthday. I'm sure those things have not helped.
It's rare that I've been in that childlike state of happiness for a good period of time. But it dawned on me the other day that I haven't slept all day lately. I'm not doing yo-yo's on the scale. I haven't felt the overwhelming sadness that makes days seem dark and endless.
For a good long while now, I've been unlocking the keys to my own happiness. And paying attention. And using them. CONSISTENTLY.
I have normal bouts of feeling overwhelmed, or sometimes I feel sad about certain things. But not to the degree as in the past, where I felt like life was pointless and I was useless. Not the all-encompassing sadness that makes life feel gray and ugly.
Reading the earliest posts to this blog gives a window into the depression I suffered with. I was conflicted, angry, felt that life was totally unfair and I was infuriated at the lack of justice I have received over my life, and why no one could help me, even though they wanted to.
PLEASE, someone just FIX THIS.
But I found, over the past year or so, what I believe to be the secret to this peace that has overcome me.
I quit waiting for "others" to fix me. I stopped looking outside of myself for the answers, for the peace, for the happiness, for the relief. I stopped asking WHY ME. I learned that life is random, for no reason. Some people are dealt shit cards while others seemingly have it easy. Being angry over it is a waste of energy and slows down the recovery. I also learned that as bad as my life seems to me at times, I'd never want to trade with anyone else. Ever.
I stopped looking outside of myself for completion. The answer has always been right here. I began taking care of myself, in every sense. I'm my own cheerleader, caretaker, and I even know how to take myself out on a date.
The results have been pretty astounding. I don't recognize the person I was a year ago, and even less 2 or more years ago. Resentful. Angry. Sad. Depressed. Overweight and unhealthy. Just trying to get by. Hoping my children's lives turned out better than mine, because mine was seemingly destined for failure and misery.
I've transformed my body into something I feel I am worthy of. One that feels strong all day every day, one that I'm comfortable in, one that will give me the best chance of a long and healthy life with my family. This makes me happy.
I've rediscovered my passion for all things music. I've tapped into the joy and energy that lives at live shows and I take it with me. I've fallen in love, over and over again, just by discovering new songs and music. This makes me happy.
I've invested in friendships and relationships with people who make me laugh, who support me, who have my back, and bring constant fun and joy into my life. This makes me happy.
I do my best, each and every day, to be the best mother I can be, and to enjoy every second with my babies. The four of us are a team and have so much fun together. This makes me happy.
It's about choices, and action. It's about new perspectives. It's about letting things go. It's about taking chances. It's about stretching limits. It's about thinking outside of the box.
Somehow, something clicked, and I learned how to meet my own needs, fill up my own soul, be HAPPY.
Granted. My life has been kinda hard to deal with. Major trauma and abuse as a pre-teen, the aftermath as a teen, the loss of my first child, a debilitating illness, the divorce of my parents, my own tumultuous marriage and divorce, and my father's brain tumor and botched surgery. All before my 33rd birthday. I'm sure those things have not helped.
It's rare that I've been in that childlike state of happiness for a good period of time. But it dawned on me the other day that I haven't slept all day lately. I'm not doing yo-yo's on the scale. I haven't felt the overwhelming sadness that makes days seem dark and endless.
For a good long while now, I've been unlocking the keys to my own happiness. And paying attention. And using them. CONSISTENTLY.
I have normal bouts of feeling overwhelmed, or sometimes I feel sad about certain things. But not to the degree as in the past, where I felt like life was pointless and I was useless. Not the all-encompassing sadness that makes life feel gray and ugly.
Reading the earliest posts to this blog gives a window into the depression I suffered with. I was conflicted, angry, felt that life was totally unfair and I was infuriated at the lack of justice I have received over my life, and why no one could help me, even though they wanted to.
PLEASE, someone just FIX THIS.
But I found, over the past year or so, what I believe to be the secret to this peace that has overcome me.
I quit waiting for "others" to fix me. I stopped looking outside of myself for the answers, for the peace, for the happiness, for the relief. I stopped asking WHY ME. I learned that life is random, for no reason. Some people are dealt shit cards while others seemingly have it easy. Being angry over it is a waste of energy and slows down the recovery. I also learned that as bad as my life seems to me at times, I'd never want to trade with anyone else. Ever.
I stopped looking outside of myself for completion. The answer has always been right here. I began taking care of myself, in every sense. I'm my own cheerleader, caretaker, and I even know how to take myself out on a date.
The results have been pretty astounding. I don't recognize the person I was a year ago, and even less 2 or more years ago. Resentful. Angry. Sad. Depressed. Overweight and unhealthy. Just trying to get by. Hoping my children's lives turned out better than mine, because mine was seemingly destined for failure and misery.
I've transformed my body into something I feel I am worthy of. One that feels strong all day every day, one that I'm comfortable in, one that will give me the best chance of a long and healthy life with my family. This makes me happy.
I've rediscovered my passion for all things music. I've tapped into the joy and energy that lives at live shows and I take it with me. I've fallen in love, over and over again, just by discovering new songs and music. This makes me happy.
I've invested in friendships and relationships with people who make me laugh, who support me, who have my back, and bring constant fun and joy into my life. This makes me happy.
I do my best, each and every day, to be the best mother I can be, and to enjoy every second with my babies. The four of us are a team and have so much fun together. This makes me happy.
It's about choices, and action. It's about new perspectives. It's about letting things go. It's about taking chances. It's about stretching limits. It's about thinking outside of the box.
Somehow, something clicked, and I learned how to meet my own needs, fill up my own soul, be HAPPY.
Monday, February 22, 2010
My Time Inventory
After my blog post last week I cried to Mr. Wonderful about everything. We had a great talk and came up with some solutions, really looked at my schedule. He even asked me to make him a list of all the things he could help with (there's a reason why he has his nickname)
Right now my number 1 priority is getting caught back up on work and getting some marketing going. I actually started to think about getting a part time job, not because I need one yet, but because I was so tired of having all the responsibility on my head, not just emotional but financial. And running a business means not always knowing when the $$ is coming in. It also means twice as much federal taxes and never, ever truly leaving your work anywhere else. In that moment of desperation, it sounded so much better than what I do now. But Mr. Wonderful (and I knew it deep down) reminded me of why I quit that world in the first place 6 years ago to start this business, and how many people dream of doing it. I do need that reminder sometimes.
So I have set work hours again, and am thinking about finding a mother's helper for after school like someone suggested in the comments. I'm running my neighborhood instead of the gym, which cuts my gym time down to just 3 days a week instead of 6. I've increased the kids' chores to include a lot of the things I was doing myself after they went to bed, like putting away their own laundry and clearing the dishes/table. (who knew they could do that and do it well!) My 7 year old has even been helping me cook.
But the thing is, not much is going to change. I'm a single mom. I have three kids. I own a business. I'm in a relationship. It's gonna be tough. I have to keep my eye on the prize, and with the help of good friends and a supportive partner, I can get through these OMG HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS moments (because there are going to be many).
Right now my number 1 priority is getting caught back up on work and getting some marketing going. I actually started to think about getting a part time job, not because I need one yet, but because I was so tired of having all the responsibility on my head, not just emotional but financial. And running a business means not always knowing when the $$ is coming in. It also means twice as much federal taxes and never, ever truly leaving your work anywhere else. In that moment of desperation, it sounded so much better than what I do now. But Mr. Wonderful (and I knew it deep down) reminded me of why I quit that world in the first place 6 years ago to start this business, and how many people dream of doing it. I do need that reminder sometimes.
So I have set work hours again, and am thinking about finding a mother's helper for after school like someone suggested in the comments. I'm running my neighborhood instead of the gym, which cuts my gym time down to just 3 days a week instead of 6. I've increased the kids' chores to include a lot of the things I was doing myself after they went to bed, like putting away their own laundry and clearing the dishes/table. (who knew they could do that and do it well!) My 7 year old has even been helping me cook.
But the thing is, not much is going to change. I'm a single mom. I have three kids. I own a business. I'm in a relationship. It's gonna be tough. I have to keep my eye on the prize, and with the help of good friends and a supportive partner, I can get through these OMG HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS moments (because there are going to be many).
Monday, February 15, 2010
You Can Have It All (Just not all at once)
One time I sat down and added up all the things I needed to do in one day and how long they took, before ever sleeping, as a working mother to 3 kids. It added up to 28 hours per day BEFORE sleep, and that was when I was still MARRIED.
Which is why I'm not surprised on nights like tonight when I absolutely crash and burn and throw that Reeses in with the groceries at checkout, to be enjoyed in the front seat of my car, parked in the garage, the only place it's quiet and I can think.
It's good to be needed. I would never want the opposite. I love my kids. I love being there for my 7 year old as she holds back sobs and tries to be brave through a dentist appointment where she gets fillings with no nitrous. I love that my baby still wants me to carry her everywhere, even though she's 3, because someday she'll be older and be embarrassed to be seen with me. I love that my 11 year old loves telling me about the music he loves and stories about friends and really needs me to pay attention.
They all need me. The kids need my attention in so many different ways. My clients need me, and are wondering why I haven't worked in a month and don't know or care that I am so tired at the end of the day that I just can't make myself open up their files, yet if I don't I won't have the money to pay the mortgage next month.
My friends need me. My father needs me. My boyfriend needs me. My dog needs me. My house needs me. The kids' schools need me. The bills need me. The laundry needs me. The car needs me.
Other single moms will relate. Our lives are a very delicate balance, a juggling act. Each child you have is an extra ball and with each of those, 10 extras between school, homework, personal needs, financial needs, etc. Throw in a relationship, a business or work, a needy or dramatic ex husband, and the juggling becomes more difficult. Each time something goes wrong, something as simple as say a child gets sick, you miss buying groceries, etc, or worse a medical emergency or emotional crisis, and all the balls come crashing to the floor. And then we must pick up all the balls again and start all over, you and only you. It's exhausting.
My current time inventory says I can't keep this up. There are too many balls. Not enough hands. The children are suffering, I am suffering, my business is suffering. I can't afford to drop a hundred balls every few weeks and start over from scratch.
The thing is...I want it all...everything I have...how do I make "cuts" to the things I love...even the things that seem annoying and extra are related to things that I need or love.
For now, here I stand again, looking around the floor at all the balls that need to be picked up and put back into motion, and I just don't see where I will get the energy from. I don't know that I have it in me this time.
But what choice do I have. Why has my life become this struggle again, this "just survive this day" mode again. What is it all for???
I sense a change on the horizon. I can't pinpoint what or how or details of that nature. I just know that something has to change, and I have to be the one to change it. I have to be greater than this situation. I want to live, not survive. I refuse to let the cards that have been dealt to me destroy me or steal my joy one day longer.
Which is why I'm not surprised on nights like tonight when I absolutely crash and burn and throw that Reeses in with the groceries at checkout, to be enjoyed in the front seat of my car, parked in the garage, the only place it's quiet and I can think.
It's good to be needed. I would never want the opposite. I love my kids. I love being there for my 7 year old as she holds back sobs and tries to be brave through a dentist appointment where she gets fillings with no nitrous. I love that my baby still wants me to carry her everywhere, even though she's 3, because someday she'll be older and be embarrassed to be seen with me. I love that my 11 year old loves telling me about the music he loves and stories about friends and really needs me to pay attention.
They all need me. The kids need my attention in so many different ways. My clients need me, and are wondering why I haven't worked in a month and don't know or care that I am so tired at the end of the day that I just can't make myself open up their files, yet if I don't I won't have the money to pay the mortgage next month.
My friends need me. My father needs me. My boyfriend needs me. My dog needs me. My house needs me. The kids' schools need me. The bills need me. The laundry needs me. The car needs me.
Other single moms will relate. Our lives are a very delicate balance, a juggling act. Each child you have is an extra ball and with each of those, 10 extras between school, homework, personal needs, financial needs, etc. Throw in a relationship, a business or work, a needy or dramatic ex husband, and the juggling becomes more difficult. Each time something goes wrong, something as simple as say a child gets sick, you miss buying groceries, etc, or worse a medical emergency or emotional crisis, and all the balls come crashing to the floor. And then we must pick up all the balls again and start all over, you and only you. It's exhausting.
My current time inventory says I can't keep this up. There are too many balls. Not enough hands. The children are suffering, I am suffering, my business is suffering. I can't afford to drop a hundred balls every few weeks and start over from scratch.
The thing is...I want it all...everything I have...how do I make "cuts" to the things I love...even the things that seem annoying and extra are related to things that I need or love.
For now, here I stand again, looking around the floor at all the balls that need to be picked up and put back into motion, and I just don't see where I will get the energy from. I don't know that I have it in me this time.
But what choice do I have. Why has my life become this struggle again, this "just survive this day" mode again. What is it all for???
I sense a change on the horizon. I can't pinpoint what or how or details of that nature. I just know that something has to change, and I have to be the one to change it. I have to be greater than this situation. I want to live, not survive. I refuse to let the cards that have been dealt to me destroy me or steal my joy one day longer.
Monday, February 1, 2010
The Flipped Side
So I know my posts of late have been all serious and heavy. I promise I'm not all serious and heavy all the time, it's just those feelings that always prompt me to write.
So here's what's making me happy these days (because I am very, very happy!)
Working Out. I am fully recovered from my holiday gluttony and hitting new highs in my workouts that I never imagined I could hit in my wildest dreams. I have been running and keep reaching and surpassing my goals (I can run 9.3 mph for a full 2 minutes. When I first started running I was lucky to make it past 5mph). I lift weights and enjoy the strength I get from it, both mentally and physically. I am totally addicted to the endorphins. I challenge anyone to come up with a better feeling in life than a hard core workout followed by a hot shower. I'm looking at running another 5K soon. I am so so happy that my body has somehow allowed me to run again after years of battling tendonitis.
Work. To be quite honest, I'm not working much. It is a very slow time of year for my business, and the work I do have I am having a really hard time getting motivated for. But being in a creative field, I'm finding my creative spark start to return (it always seems to die during the busy holiday rush) and I'm producing work that I am really proud of.
Music. Mr. Wonderful and I have been hitting the local music scene as much as possible, and I can't even tell you how much I have enjoyed this. The week before I met him, I wrote about wanting to get into the local music scene (which is, as you may recall, how I met him...at a music festival). We now have countless concerts on our upcoming schedules, and it just makes me giddy. Last week we saw a band I'd never heard of in a tiny little lounge. I probably would never listen to their music otherwise, but I just love watching musicians perform their own music live. It's fascinating, invigorating, inspirational. Then there are the concerts of the bands I am absolutely in love with, where the music they play sends me into absolute euphoria.
Food. Another one of my passions. I've made it my goal to try new foods as much as I can. This weekend, I tried octopus. Before that, tuna tartare (we're on an asian cuisine kick). The tartare?? heaven, the octopus, notsomuch. On our list of things to do also is to attend a wine class/tasting. I also have a list of our city's top rated restaurants that I'm trying to check off one at a time.
Movies. I'm still hitting the theater when I can and watching my indie flicks. Because I've had less time to get out of the house, I signed up for netflix too and have been watching those when I can. Actually, right now as I type this, I'm streaming a movie onto my laptop that I've never seen. I do this while I work and it makes working so much more fun :) I'm also hoping to hit the local independent film festival too in just a couple of months.
Kids. My kids are amazing. My son is developing this witty sense of humor. He is so on the verge of teen-hood (he's 11) and while I thought I would hate that, I really enjoy relating to him on this level. My middle daughter is just excelling at everything she puts her mind to, from soccer to school to friends. My youngest daughter is growing up so fast and just makes me laugh hysterically every single day. She loves to snuggle like her Mommy, so we spend lots of time doing just that. All of them have been making strides towards independence, whether it be getting themselves ready in the mornings or sleeping in their own big girl bed, and it has helped me as a single mom so very much.
Here's to making life what you want it to be and enjoying something that makes you happy every single day.
So here's what's making me happy these days (because I am very, very happy!)
Working Out. I am fully recovered from my holiday gluttony and hitting new highs in my workouts that I never imagined I could hit in my wildest dreams. I have been running and keep reaching and surpassing my goals (I can run 9.3 mph for a full 2 minutes. When I first started running I was lucky to make it past 5mph). I lift weights and enjoy the strength I get from it, both mentally and physically. I am totally addicted to the endorphins. I challenge anyone to come up with a better feeling in life than a hard core workout followed by a hot shower. I'm looking at running another 5K soon. I am so so happy that my body has somehow allowed me to run again after years of battling tendonitis.
Work. To be quite honest, I'm not working much. It is a very slow time of year for my business, and the work I do have I am having a really hard time getting motivated for. But being in a creative field, I'm finding my creative spark start to return (it always seems to die during the busy holiday rush) and I'm producing work that I am really proud of.
Music. Mr. Wonderful and I have been hitting the local music scene as much as possible, and I can't even tell you how much I have enjoyed this. The week before I met him, I wrote about wanting to get into the local music scene (which is, as you may recall, how I met him...at a music festival). We now have countless concerts on our upcoming schedules, and it just makes me giddy. Last week we saw a band I'd never heard of in a tiny little lounge. I probably would never listen to their music otherwise, but I just love watching musicians perform their own music live. It's fascinating, invigorating, inspirational. Then there are the concerts of the bands I am absolutely in love with, where the music they play sends me into absolute euphoria.
Food. Another one of my passions. I've made it my goal to try new foods as much as I can. This weekend, I tried octopus. Before that, tuna tartare (we're on an asian cuisine kick). The tartare?? heaven, the octopus, notsomuch. On our list of things to do also is to attend a wine class/tasting. I also have a list of our city's top rated restaurants that I'm trying to check off one at a time.
Movies. I'm still hitting the theater when I can and watching my indie flicks. Because I've had less time to get out of the house, I signed up for netflix too and have been watching those when I can. Actually, right now as I type this, I'm streaming a movie onto my laptop that I've never seen. I do this while I work and it makes working so much more fun :) I'm also hoping to hit the local independent film festival too in just a couple of months.
Kids. My kids are amazing. My son is developing this witty sense of humor. He is so on the verge of teen-hood (he's 11) and while I thought I would hate that, I really enjoy relating to him on this level. My middle daughter is just excelling at everything she puts her mind to, from soccer to school to friends. My youngest daughter is growing up so fast and just makes me laugh hysterically every single day. She loves to snuggle like her Mommy, so we spend lots of time doing just that. All of them have been making strides towards independence, whether it be getting themselves ready in the mornings or sleeping in their own big girl bed, and it has helped me as a single mom so very much.
Here's to making life what you want it to be and enjoying something that makes you happy every single day.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I Think a Change Would Do You Good
So....
I woke up the morning after writing my last blog post feeling so clear headed and, just......fine.
The reality of the situation hit me. I allowed an outside source to cause me to question everything I have known about my relationship up until now. Up until now, I have known nothing but honesty, trust, loyalty, love, respect, and straightforwardness. He has given me no reason to doubt him.
3 years and 4 months ago, when I was 8 months pregnant with my youngest child, I discovered that my husband was not only unfaithful, but had been for at least the previous year. The entire length of my pregnancy and then some. Through my parents' divorce, when I leaned on him and cried to him about the issues that caused the demise of their marriage. He was holding me and telling me it would be ok, then leaving my house and sleeping with other women. He was coming home and talking to our daughter in my belly, then going to "work out" and meeting up with women. When I found out, the shock was so great and so traumatic that it sent me into pre-term labor. I did not know how to get through giving birth to a third child AND deal with a cheating husband. So I chose to put off the one I didn't want to deal with. Gave him almost 2 additional years of my life, with counseling and sex addiction group meetings. And then I found out that he continued to cheat until the day I finally kicked him out a year and a half ago.
For the two years in between me finding out about his infidelity and me finally kicking him out, I lived in a place of constant fear and apprehension. I felt like I was crawling out of my skin everytime he would leave the house without me. I created scenarios in my mind of what I was sure was happening right that moment, and drove myself insane. I felt responsible for whether he hurt the family or not, like my decision to let him stay would end up hurting the children, NOT the act of him cheating itself. It was a HORRIBLE place to be and I swore I'd never be there again.
But this weekend, after the comment was left, I found myself right back in that place again. Only this time about my current relationship. It made me sick when I realized it. Especially since Mr. Wonderful has not done anything in our time together to deserve it. He will not pay for the mistakes of my ex, nor will he pay for his own ex's "version" of their relationship (the anonymous comment was left by a friend of hers). I don't know her, only what he has told me, and the fact is that I know my partner very intimately and know our relationship. The fact is that the red flags are not there. Nothing said in that comment was news to me, it just came at me in a different way than I had heard it before and threw me.
I talked it through with my friends, how I felt frozen with indecision and fear. I read the comments from you guys. I talked it all through with Mr. Wonderful (who has been so incredibly patient with all of this). I slept, woke up, and felt totally clear headed.
I just needed to change my perspective. I needed to take off the "burnt ex wife" glasses and view my relationship for what it is.
Something else that helped me was to take the future off the table for a while. I had to stop thinking about my children meeting and falling in love with him or I was never going to move. We are concentrating on just us until I am ready and stable again. That's a big step as it is, but just taking it off the table for a little while was one of the reasons my head cleared as quickly as it did. Having three little ones' futures on my shoulders is a huge responsibility and one I do not want to rush through.
Mostly, I just need to stop taking everything so damn SERIOUSLY and relax and enjoy this ride. I am happy, I'm in love, I love my life, I love my family, and I love the place I'm in. Every decision does not have to be life or death. I may screw up, I may even screw up the big things. But everything is going to be ok in the long run, and I don't need to waste time worrying over and punishing myself for things that may or may not occur. It's great to be cautious and careful and thoughtful, and I wouldn't change anything I did...but I hope to always be able to end up back in this place of ease. It's a much better feeling.
I woke up the morning after writing my last blog post feeling so clear headed and, just......fine.
The reality of the situation hit me. I allowed an outside source to cause me to question everything I have known about my relationship up until now. Up until now, I have known nothing but honesty, trust, loyalty, love, respect, and straightforwardness. He has given me no reason to doubt him.
3 years and 4 months ago, when I was 8 months pregnant with my youngest child, I discovered that my husband was not only unfaithful, but had been for at least the previous year. The entire length of my pregnancy and then some. Through my parents' divorce, when I leaned on him and cried to him about the issues that caused the demise of their marriage. He was holding me and telling me it would be ok, then leaving my house and sleeping with other women. He was coming home and talking to our daughter in my belly, then going to "work out" and meeting up with women. When I found out, the shock was so great and so traumatic that it sent me into pre-term labor. I did not know how to get through giving birth to a third child AND deal with a cheating husband. So I chose to put off the one I didn't want to deal with. Gave him almost 2 additional years of my life, with counseling and sex addiction group meetings. And then I found out that he continued to cheat until the day I finally kicked him out a year and a half ago.
For the two years in between me finding out about his infidelity and me finally kicking him out, I lived in a place of constant fear and apprehension. I felt like I was crawling out of my skin everytime he would leave the house without me. I created scenarios in my mind of what I was sure was happening right that moment, and drove myself insane. I felt responsible for whether he hurt the family or not, like my decision to let him stay would end up hurting the children, NOT the act of him cheating itself. It was a HORRIBLE place to be and I swore I'd never be there again.
But this weekend, after the comment was left, I found myself right back in that place again. Only this time about my current relationship. It made me sick when I realized it. Especially since Mr. Wonderful has not done anything in our time together to deserve it. He will not pay for the mistakes of my ex, nor will he pay for his own ex's "version" of their relationship (the anonymous comment was left by a friend of hers). I don't know her, only what he has told me, and the fact is that I know my partner very intimately and know our relationship. The fact is that the red flags are not there. Nothing said in that comment was news to me, it just came at me in a different way than I had heard it before and threw me.
I talked it through with my friends, how I felt frozen with indecision and fear. I read the comments from you guys. I talked it all through with Mr. Wonderful (who has been so incredibly patient with all of this). I slept, woke up, and felt totally clear headed.
I just needed to change my perspective. I needed to take off the "burnt ex wife" glasses and view my relationship for what it is.
Something else that helped me was to take the future off the table for a while. I had to stop thinking about my children meeting and falling in love with him or I was never going to move. We are concentrating on just us until I am ready and stable again. That's a big step as it is, but just taking it off the table for a little while was one of the reasons my head cleared as quickly as it did. Having three little ones' futures on my shoulders is a huge responsibility and one I do not want to rush through.
Mostly, I just need to stop taking everything so damn SERIOUSLY and relax and enjoy this ride. I am happy, I'm in love, I love my life, I love my family, and I love the place I'm in. Every decision does not have to be life or death. I may screw up, I may even screw up the big things. But everything is going to be ok in the long run, and I don't need to waste time worrying over and punishing myself for things that may or may not occur. It's great to be cautious and careful and thoughtful, and I wouldn't change anything I did...but I hope to always be able to end up back in this place of ease. It's a much better feeling.
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