Thursday, August 9, 2012

And it rages on.


I've been researching various treatments both holistic and medicinal. I have been able to keep up my exercise routine. I took a break from exercise, too. I adjusted my calorie intake when I discovered that my lack of appetite had translated into me eating half as many calories per day as I should. I've tried listing out the things that I am grateful for, I've made every attempt to participate in the activities that give me joy. My wonderful husband made an all out effort this weekend by taking me for a massage, to my favorite restaurant, out for coffee. I can't imagine how frustrating this must be for him.

The only time I feel any relief is for the 45 minutes that I am working out and am forced to think about what to do with my body instead of the racing thoughts, and for some reason, during hot showers.

Even sleep brings no relief as my nightmares and dreams have been just as cruel as my waking thoughts.

One thing I don't know that people understand about depression is how very physical it feels. Everything buzzes. My vision feels skewed and like I'm looking through thick plastic lenses. My arms and legs weigh a thousand pounds, and I have a cramping in my gut that has no origin but makes me want to cry.

Some days, it's anger and numbness that are the primary emotions. Other days, I just feel so raw that I could cry at just about anything.

If you've ever been depressed then maybe you will sympathize with the long journeys that your thoughts take, the deep wells they descend, the epiphanies about life that you think you have, that are never good. There are so many thoughts that hit me all at once in a millisecond.

When I had to make a list to remind myself of the things that I had to live for, when I found myself angry for having people in my life who would be hurt if I disappeared forever, somewhere deep inside my sanity spoke up. I thought about driving myself to the ER, but decided to just try and make it through the night, and here I am writing this.

I told my husband that I couldn't take the pain anymore. He is taking me to the doctor. I wrestled with feeling like he is just as sick of me as I am of myself, but the sane part of me texted that to my best friend and she gave me the right words, as she always does. He does love me. It's hard to even type that because I don't believe anyone loves me right now. But he does.

Not to be dramatic emo girl, but the song below is sometimes the only thing that gets me through. This, to me, is the musical translation of what I've been feeling the past month or more...not just the lyrics, but the entire sound.

 

 Say I'm okay
I'm bleeding fire
Eating nightmares

So tell me how to do away with love
I'm a maze
Can we say goodnight now?

Take this world away
And strangle it with wires for a lifetime

Make a pretty face and say I'm fine
I'm okay
Only in the nighttime

Take this world away
Strangle it with wires for a lifetime

Make a pretty face and say I'm fine
I'm okay
Only in the nighttime

Love was the only thing I ever needed, I ever needed

Love was the only thing I ever needed

Love was the only thing I ever needed, I ever needed




8 comments:

  1. I was actually going to email you today to check-in so I am glad to see a post. Not glad (at all) to read that you are still hurting but glad that you are moving forward and putting one foot in front of the other. Also I am glad that you are going to see a doctor. The fog of depression is so horrible and painful and unbearable. I hope with all hope that the doctors give you some relief. You deserve it. Again, if you need anything, please reach out. Many hugs to you.

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  2. I love you so much. And I will always have the words for you, right or wrong (because they won't always be winners). But always here for you. Promise. xo

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    1. Don't know what I'd do without you, seriously. xo

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  3. Love you dearly, my friend. Your battle has been on my mind daily. I am always here for you. xoxo

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  4. I'm glad you have your husband's unconditional love and support as well as your best friends. Hold on tightly to them;let them carry you right now

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  5. It sucks. I hate that anyone else in the world feels like this, but I get it. I don't have words of wisdom, but I do have this, you are not alone. I know that one day the clouds will part for you and you will have your life back. It might be this very hour, it might be tomorrow, but they will part. You will win this fight.

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  6. I hope you found your way back to the light. Lean on the people that love you. I know they love you so much and jwant to help you feel like yourself again. I know I'm a stranger, but I'm praying for you and care about you, too (in a non creepy haven't met kind of way). I have been following your blog for years and know what an incredibly brave, strong person you are. You have overcome so many challenges with grace and you sense of humor intact. Your words have inspired me to want better things for myself. I'm praying for peace for you. You are NOT alone.

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