Wednesday, June 17, 2009

On the Subject of Sex

This was brought up over at another blog and although because of who I know is reading, I have to be careful what I say here...but the discussion really got my wheels turning.

The last time I had non-married sex, I was 20. I was married just shy of 21, and my husband was one of only a few guys I'd ever been with(the others being absolute disasters).

So in my mind, my view of sex outside of marriage is still stuck in that high school mentality, because that's where I was at the last time I dealt with this.

Also add to the fact that the only hands on my body for the last 12 years were my husband's, and considering what he was doing behind my back, and we, ladies and gentlemen, have HANG UPS.

The last time I was "out there", good girls did not have sex. Like I mentioned before, I was brought up Southern Baptist and there was a HUGE stigma regarding sex; not only in my church, but in my family. It has been really hard for me to overcome, just in my marriage alone.

I am 32 years old. My religious beliefs no longer hold me back because they have changed. I am now at the maturity level of thinking things through before acting. So let's think about this:

I am a young, soon to be "legally" single woman who has normal needs and desires. I do not plan to be in a relationship ANYTIME SOON because I know I am not ready for it. So what about sex?

First of all, I need to explore all of these hang ups and stereotypes about women and sex. I write this very carefully and fearfully because I know, from experience, how many opinions there are on the subject. But in my mind, I don't see any reason, as long as I am careful, not to get out there and have some no-strings-attached fun when the time is right. To me, this is part of the new freedom that I love so much, something I never thought I'd have the opportunity to do, something I never GOT to do being such a young bride.

Even as I type this, I think about people reading this and judging me. I *know* that is irrational. This is my blog and my life and my business. It's one of the reasons I wanted to write about it. To kind of make a statement and push through that fear of judgment, because it's totally unnecessary. No one has to walk in my shoes but me, no one has to live my life but me, and my beliefs are my own.

And to be honest, thinking this through has helped me so much dealing with being alone. The realization that I don't HAVE to find a relationship before I can have physical touch is really very empowering. It takes the pressure off big-time.

Now this brings me to the second part: My Body.

Yes I am a young 32 year old woman in decent shape. I am also a woman whose son was a 9 lb baby, and I also breastfed all three children. It seems like more and more women are having their baby bellies tucked and their breasts "repositioned" (The Mommy Makeover). Since it is bathing suit season I have been thinking about this alot, because although I may look great with clothes on, but underneath my breasts look like empty pockets and my stomach has a pocket of stretched skin and stretch marks. I had all but decided that if I am going to be single again, then I had better get this all nipped and tucked. I mean, I thought about it ALOT. Like, was about to start a savings account.

But the more I think about it, the more I think that it would just be feeding my own insecurity. I am a whole person, not just body parts. I also think that, when would it stop? What would be next, my face? My stretch marks are a part of who I am. I gave birth to three gorgeous children, and I breastfed each of them and I am proud of that. At some point I just have to do the best I can and be happy with myself, flaws and all. Because the confidence that I would get from having plastic surgery is not the confidence that I am seeking; the confidence I am looking for is the one that you get from self-acceptance, no matter what.

I also think that this is something that will probably come with time and experience. Seeing that men WON'T go screaming out of the room when I take my clothes off. Overcoming both of these fears is going to just take time and practice.

Phew this was a tough one.

Friday, June 12, 2009


Just sent the email off to my lawyer asking him to proceed with filing.

If I wait to get through the junk with my Dad I will be waiting a very long time. That situation is just not going to be a fast thing. At. All.

I'm a little nervous but so ready to move on with the next phase of my life, officially. August will be a year since we separated and three years since the Atom Bomb went off in my life. It's time.

My middle child (6) asked me tonight if I wanted Daddy to move back. I said "I think I like the way things are now, sweetie." She asked if we were going to break up, and I told her that we already did. I think that the transition has been slow enough that this will not be too too hard on them. I am scared for them, but hope to make this as easy and uneventful as possible.

I think it takes 3 months for everything to be finalized. So I'm actually looking at this being final right around my 33rd birthday.

It will be bittersweet...but definetly more sweet than bitter.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

A Vent.

I just read a blog post by someone, who I think was well-meaning, about a friend who is going through a divorce. It was sort of posted under the guise of "I'm concerned" but the underlying tone was "They're not trying hard enough and it will never happen to me."

Because just recently, I was on the receiving end of this same judgement by an old "friend", it really zinged me, and rather than leaving a long ranting comment on their blog sure to start an argument, I decided to come here and get it out.

I grew up in an extremely religious household, southern Baptist. I was always told by my parents that divorce was wrong and they didn't believe in it. All of my life. Yet my parents were miserable with each other; there were affairs, there was tension, there was humiliation, and there was ALWAYS something missing. I just thought that this was how life was, because I didn't know any better. My parents divorced finally after 30 years of marriage, after I myself had been married for 8 or 9 years and had 2 kids. Both married again and both are extremely happy with their new spouses.

My marriage was almost an exact copy of my parent's marriage. It was acceptable to me because I thought that this was the way marriage was, this was the way life was supposed to be. My kids, I can see now, felt the tension and were on their way to having this way of life engrained in their little heads. WHY would I want this for them, and not the life I described in my last post, when I LOVE them????

Yes, the initial break up was very hard on them. Getting used to a new routine took some time. But now?? My kids are HAPPY. Well-adjusted. My son who is a gifted student and had been making C's brought his grades up to straight A's. My children live in a house free of tension, free of negativity; it is now the way it is supposed to be, full of love and support. But I don't have to tell you guys this because I write about it all the time. Mommy is happy, and now everyone else is too.

My problem with this particular blog was the use of God's name to judge those who divorce. Because what I really think happens is that people get scared, insecure about their own marriages and comfort themselves by saying "They didn't pray hard enough" "They didn't work on it hard enough" or whatever the case may be. It is people like this who have given divorced people the stereotype that exists. We just didn't try hard enough. We are not Godly. We are selfish. We don't care about our kids.

Before you make dangerous and hurtful accusations about someone else's life, ask yourself- Have you been in their marriages? Have you lived their lives, walked in their shoes? How in the world can you know what is best for anyone else but yourself? Doesn't the Bible that you are quoting from say "Judge lest ye be judged?"

I could go on and on but I think I will stop, point made, feel better, over now.

Monday, June 8, 2009

What it means to LIVE

I visited my Dad in the hospital yesterday (yes, he's still there) and was watching him while he slept and trying to wrap my head around his situation.

Yes, he is alive...but really, he is not "living". The closest he comes to living is watching basketball games on his tv, working with PT on walking again, and visits from his family. It really got me thinking about what it means to be alive, and what our lives mean.

Everyone's definition of living is different, but I do know that when you are not living, you feel it. You feel depressed and a constant need for something, although you may not know what. Maybe you eat to fill the void, or drink... pick your poison (I'm an eater).

For my Dad, living is playing the guitar, eating out with his wife, doing projects around his house, spending time with his kids and grandkids, seeing movies, and going to concerts. So no, he is not living right now.

My definition for living is just coming to light. I know that I'm close because the weight from all my non-living eating has fallen off without a second thought. I feel fulfilled, I feel hopeful, I feel ALIVE. It all makes sense now.

Living for me is seeing my friends and laughing our asses off. It's seeing as many movies as possible, either at home on my couch with my pj's on or at a theater with others. It's trying new foods and cuisines. It's rocking my two year old to sleep and kissing her precious face a million times while she's being still, having a funny conversation with my smart 10 year old son, or fixing my beautiful 6 year old daughter's hair. It's making my bed every morning because it brings me joy to see the gorgeous bedspread I bought just for ME. It's going out for drinks and being the first one out on the dancefloor because I LOVE to dance. It's seeing concerts and singing along at the top of my lungs. It's challenging myself to try new things with my business. It's meeting new people and making new friendships. It's laying on my living room floor with a hundred pillows and blankets and laughing at movies with my kids. It's trying things I would have never tried before, just to have the experience. It's living with no regrets.

Why did it take splitting with my husband for me to figure all of this out? I'm not sure...maybe it's the shared custody and thus mandatory "me" time. Maybe I was always so worried about keeping him happy that I didn't worry about myself enough. Whatever it was, I'm so grateful for it. I wouldn't trade my life now for the one I had before in a million years. It's like my eyes have been opened wide for the first time ever and this life was under my nose all along just waiting for me. This is the meaning of life...for me.

And if it gets better in the future with a partner to share all of this with me? Great. But if this is the way it is forever...well..I'm just fine with that!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Photo Essay-Single Mom project

Talked awhile back about doing this project with another single mom, and was having a night where I was up until 3am getting laundry, lunches, and work finished while the kids slept. Tonight I had a crazy night where one of my kids tripped, hit her head, and I had to take her to emergency care. Thank goodness friends were around, or I would have had to have taken all 3 kids with me...all 3 of which were FLIPPING OUT over the BLOOD. This after a long couple of days of handling a serious issue with my oldest, on my own, with no help from his Dad.

Amyways, it made me remember that I had started this project and I worked on a few images tonight. A snapshot of my house at 2am.

(my bed)

*ps-all photos are under copyright-please do not repost without permission*