A few of you may have noticed that something has gone on here at my blog.
I've had sort of a breach of "security".
Not that this blog is private or ever will be. I've had too many comments from other women who are going through divorce or single motherhood that my blog has helped them, and I refuse to take that away from anyone. (although comments are now moderated)
The "breach of security" was that someone left a comment with the first and last name of someone in my life, a comment that sort of rocked my world. And now I'm stuck wondering what to do with it.
What I really, really hate about this situation is that this blog is supposed to be my outlet, my safe place to write my feelings down when I can't sort through them in my head. And now I feel that I cannot do that.
If you read my blog you know how much I struggle with trust. This is something that I've struggled with my entire life. When I was a child all the way up through my adult years, I learned that major people in my life were capable of lying to me and having "double lives", even though they loved me. I chose to trust again by marrying my husband, and that situation ended the same way, the double life going on behind my back, even though I knew down to my core that HE would NEVER. It was next to impossible for me to try a new relationship, and you see post after post how much I struggle with it.
My biggest issue is that I cannot differentiate red flags from fear. I don't know how to make decisions based on my instincts, because my instincts are not there. My head starts saying "This is a red flag" then it says "No it's just fear, fear can't rule your life" then back to "That's exactly what a red flag would look like" then back to "that's exactly what fear looks like too". It's exhausting and it causes me to freeze and not do anything. Thus the reason it took me two years to kick my husband out of my house.
The Quandry: I have to choose to believe the person in my life versus I have to protect myself and my family. Believing in them makes me vulnerable and possibly stupid, or it opens me up to a happy life and makes me brave for overcoming my fears. Not trusting means shutting down and being alone and losing that person, or it means protecting myself from another Ex.
Will I let the anonymous comment destroy my relationship? I have to believe that if she were sincere in trying to help me, I would have received more info that I requested. But the fact is that it has already triggered my deepest fears and rattled me to my core, whether they were true or not. The tiny amount of trust that I was able to muster up and had been building on has now been rocked. And that sucks, especially because my head is telling me that the motivation behind the comment was pretty questionable. But I don't know how to get past what just the mention of it has done to me.
How do you navigate relationships after living a lifetime of the people closest to you letting you down??? How do I identify and eliminate the non-trustworthy without also throwing out the trustworthy in the process???
I want to be that person that takes chances, rolls with the punches but also reaps the rewards. I also don't want to be that stupid girl who just can't seem to get it right and makes the same mistakes over and over. And I don't just have myself to worry about here, because the decisions would be much easier if we were just talking about me. I have three children who deserve the best life has to offer and need me to protect them. But they also need an example of a loving, trusting relationship.
So here I sit. Frozen with indecision. Terrified to make a move. And that pisses me OFF.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Never Underestimate the Power of Looking Forward
January SUCKS.
It's cold and icky, it's right after the holidays, and a big giant reality check, right up the backside of the head. No more days off work, no more Christmas trees or lights or presents or visits to Santa, no more awesomely fattening food and skipping the gym.
I've had a pretty crappy weekend. I get seriously overwhelmed the weeks that I have my kids all weekend alone, particulary on Sunday night, when the weight of all that I have to do really sits hard on me. Any playtime I take with the kids over the weekend I must pay dearly for on Sunday evening, when I have to plan meals, buy groceries, do the dishes, pick up the house, get together clothes for the week and wash them, and make lunches, for 4 of us. Not to mention any work that may need to be prepped for the next morning. It's completely exhausting. By about midnight Sunday night, I'm usually finally crawling into bed, facing a week of a 3 year old who won't sleep in her bed, a business that is run by me and clients who are waiting for me to get my ass in gear, school papers to go through and sign, homework to help with, an ex husband who is constantly causing drama, and a relationship that needs my attention. It's about this time that I begin cursing single motherhood. This job, especially with this many children, was just not meant to be done alone. I'm too exhausted to raise this family AND support it financially.
So this past Sunday night I was feeling so down, depressed, exhausted, unloved, and unappreciated. I didn't know how to get through this night, much less the rest of January.
I thought back to the times when I have been the happiest. I texted my friend and pleaded her to throw one of her infamous GNO's. The kind where we dress to the 9's and hit the town, laugh til our sides hurt, drink fruity cocktails and eat mouth watering food. In a matter of an evening, a night was planned for just a few weeks away with all of the women that I love and adore (minus one who will have a newborn!) and just like that, the depression and exhaustion had disappeared.
Just a reminder to me that I need to keep my focus ahead and on the people and things and experiences that bring me joy. If they can get me through the roughest patches of my life, surely they can get me through Sunday night.
It's cold and icky, it's right after the holidays, and a big giant reality check, right up the backside of the head. No more days off work, no more Christmas trees or lights or presents or visits to Santa, no more awesomely fattening food and skipping the gym.
I've had a pretty crappy weekend. I get seriously overwhelmed the weeks that I have my kids all weekend alone, particulary on Sunday night, when the weight of all that I have to do really sits hard on me. Any playtime I take with the kids over the weekend I must pay dearly for on Sunday evening, when I have to plan meals, buy groceries, do the dishes, pick up the house, get together clothes for the week and wash them, and make lunches, for 4 of us. Not to mention any work that may need to be prepped for the next morning. It's completely exhausting. By about midnight Sunday night, I'm usually finally crawling into bed, facing a week of a 3 year old who won't sleep in her bed, a business that is run by me and clients who are waiting for me to get my ass in gear, school papers to go through and sign, homework to help with, an ex husband who is constantly causing drama, and a relationship that needs my attention. It's about this time that I begin cursing single motherhood. This job, especially with this many children, was just not meant to be done alone. I'm too exhausted to raise this family AND support it financially.
So this past Sunday night I was feeling so down, depressed, exhausted, unloved, and unappreciated. I didn't know how to get through this night, much less the rest of January.
I thought back to the times when I have been the happiest. I texted my friend and pleaded her to throw one of her infamous GNO's. The kind where we dress to the 9's and hit the town, laugh til our sides hurt, drink fruity cocktails and eat mouth watering food. In a matter of an evening, a night was planned for just a few weeks away with all of the women that I love and adore (minus one who will have a newborn!) and just like that, the depression and exhaustion had disappeared.
Just a reminder to me that I need to keep my focus ahead and on the people and things and experiences that bring me joy. If they can get me through the roughest patches of my life, surely they can get me through Sunday night.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Ahhhh, FREAKOUT!
Something has been brewing with me the past few days and I have to write about it or I am going to lose my mind.
I don't know what triggered it. Maybe I let my thoughts dip down just a little too deeply into the past. Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's the holidays, a dream I had, a conversation, the residuals of my father almost dying, yet again. I really don't know where this came from.
I just have had this overwhelming panic brewing inside of me in regards to my relationship with Mr. Wonderful. I am constantly torn between wanting to pull him so close to me and cling to him, or pushing him away as far as possible...both actions with the same intention---keep him from hurting me, leaving me, etc. etc. etc.
I described it to a friend like this: it feels like I was a survivor of a horrible plane crash, and just woke up and realized that I'm on a plane again and OMG WHAT AM I DOING HOW DID I GET HERE
But the thing is, I never loved anyone the way I love this man, including my ex. And look at how that ended. Not only did I get hurt, but my three innocent and precious children did too...up in flames, just like that. But this is even more of a risk...and the fallout would be astronomical, at least in my head.
Thoughts going through my head:
Everyone leaves me.
Sure he "would never ever cheat on me". When have I said that before???
So maybe he never cheats on me. What if he just plain falls out of love? What if he gets tired of me and leaves?
It just feels inevitable.
All around me, marriages are either miserable or failing. People who used to be madly in love, just like we are right now, are falling apart. Every relationship I've had up until now has failed. It feels arrogant to think we are above that.
I do realize that my choices are to either run away and never take a chance, or take that huge risk.
Huge risk=great reward? or astronomical heartache?
No risk=no reward? or safety???
The fact is that when I have tried it, it hasn't worked. And it hurt, it still hurts, and I don't want to hurt anymore.
I'm scared to death you guys. Paralyzed with fear.
He wants to know what he can do to minimize this for me. I wish I knew. I'm going to just have to ride it out like I have with everything.
Damn my ex husband for taking my precious trust away. DAMN HIM FOR BEING SO CARELESS WITH ME.
But f- him too, because I'm going to keep moving forward and figure this out.
I don't know what triggered it. Maybe I let my thoughts dip down just a little too deeply into the past. Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's the holidays, a dream I had, a conversation, the residuals of my father almost dying, yet again. I really don't know where this came from.
I just have had this overwhelming panic brewing inside of me in regards to my relationship with Mr. Wonderful. I am constantly torn between wanting to pull him so close to me and cling to him, or pushing him away as far as possible...both actions with the same intention---keep him from hurting me, leaving me, etc. etc. etc.
I described it to a friend like this: it feels like I was a survivor of a horrible plane crash, and just woke up and realized that I'm on a plane again and OMG WHAT AM I DOING HOW DID I GET HERE
But the thing is, I never loved anyone the way I love this man, including my ex. And look at how that ended. Not only did I get hurt, but my three innocent and precious children did too...up in flames, just like that. But this is even more of a risk...and the fallout would be astronomical, at least in my head.
Thoughts going through my head:
Everyone leaves me.
Sure he "would never ever cheat on me". When have I said that before???
So maybe he never cheats on me. What if he just plain falls out of love? What if he gets tired of me and leaves?
It just feels inevitable.
All around me, marriages are either miserable or failing. People who used to be madly in love, just like we are right now, are falling apart. Every relationship I've had up until now has failed. It feels arrogant to think we are above that.
I do realize that my choices are to either run away and never take a chance, or take that huge risk.
Huge risk=great reward? or astronomical heartache?
No risk=no reward? or safety???
The fact is that when I have tried it, it hasn't worked. And it hurt, it still hurts, and I don't want to hurt anymore.
I'm scared to death you guys. Paralyzed with fear.
He wants to know what he can do to minimize this for me. I wish I knew. I'm going to just have to ride it out like I have with everything.
Damn my ex husband for taking my precious trust away. DAMN HIM FOR BEING SO CARELESS WITH ME.
But f- him too, because I'm going to keep moving forward and figure this out.
Monday, January 4, 2010
My Resolutions
I have to admit that this is the first time I've actually thought about my New Year's resolutions for 2010, mostly because I haven't had time to sit and breathe (I shouldn't even be doing this now)
But almost every goal I set for myself last year, I managed to keep up with and accomplish, so I feel it's really important for me to set those goals. This year is going to be more about maintaining the change and keeping the drama low more than anything. I just want peace and quiet for a good long while.
So here are the resolutions for each aspect of my life
1-Motherhood: Last year was spent concentrating on me, me and more me. It needed to be done, it was the first step in creating a happy home for my children...they needed a happy mom. It was me taking the oxygen from the oxygen mask first, and then assisting my children with theirs, just like they tell you on an airplane. Well, it's time to concentrate on them. Yes, I have them all in counseling and have been seriously doing the best I can. But it's time to buckle down, put down the iPhone, make sure each of them are getting one on one time with me, make sure their emotional needs are all being met, and that I am raising them the way I have always wanted to. We have been in survival mode for a long time around here. It's time to nurture them, mold them, work on building their character for the future. I need to concentrate on being the best mom I can be this year.
2-Love: My main goal for my relationship is to just get through it without flopping too badly on my face. I am all over the place. One minute, I am intoxicated and passionate and and could never picture life without Mr. Wonderful, the next I am freaked out and wondering if I really ever want to live with anyone again and do I *really* believe in marriage??? I get so so scared, so easily. I am so scared to take risks, that sometimes it sounds easier to just be alone for the rest of my life than to take a chance with a man who has been nothing but amazing. I start questioning EVERYTHING so much that I seriously told my own brain to just SHUT UP tonight. "Oh sure it's so incredible now, but just wait til you've been together FOREVER and all he wants is someone different and thinks you're naggy and can't stand to be near you and then what if he starts looking around for someone else, it happens to everyone" blah blah blah blah blah. I've even told myself that no man will ever come to appreciate me and what I offer without losing me first, I seriously heard that in my head today after having a conversation with The Ex. I've got to find a way to conquer these fears and this baggage that come from the person you trust most in the world betraying you in the worst way possible.....because I will end up talking myself into being alone forever, and I do not want that. But GAH...to think of it. What a risk, right?????
3-Career: I want to get BETTER at my job. Again, the theme of the past year has just been survival. I have not done my best work, I haven't branched out, I haven't pushed myself or followed any dreams. I spent the last year just trying to make it through without losing my business, and I did that. This year, I want to love my work again....I want to push myself to do the best work I'm capable of, and try things I've always wanted to try. I want to get organized and stop feeling like I'm always a step behind.
4-Health: Last January, I started eating right and exercising, lost 30 lbs, and have kept it off since then. In September after a long hiatus from working out after my Dad's surgery, I returned to the gym and began running and weightlifting. I have actual definition in my arms and legs, I'm smaller than I have been since high school, and I actually like how I look. Most of all, I feel amazing and healthy and strong, I feel in control, and you know sometimes I even feel beautiful. This year I just want to make that all keep going. I want to lose more fat and keep defining my muscle, I want to continue eating food that makes me feel good. I want to keep challenging myself. The biggest thing I need to change is to stop drinking diet soda. It is definetly my weakness and keeps me from drinking all the water I should. Other than that, I've been doing pretty well in the health department, and it feels really good to be able to say that for the first January in years.
5-Friendship: Anyone who reads this blog knows I have the most amazing friends ever. Sometimes I wonder why they stick with me, I need them SO MUCH and rarely have the time or the ability to help back. I don't call or reach out, not because I don't love them or don't think of them, just that I usually have three kids screaming and yelling in the background when I think of them or when they call me. This year, I really want to give back to those who helped me so much, whenever I can. No I can't always show up to someone's house with my 3 kids and help with things, but maybe I'll try and pick up the phone more when I have a quiet moment, or send texts or emails checking in. I really want to show them how much I love them and how much they mean to me, that will be a major priority for me this year.
6-General:
I want to hear a ton of live music and concerts. I want to find new bands/artists and fall in love with them. I want to experience more of my city, including it's art, restaurants, music, food, celebrations, and nightlife. I want to travel to new places I've never been. I want to get this old, 1980's-everything house updated. I want to stay on top of my responsibilities and not always feel behind. I want to finally get my son his braces and my daughter her bedroom. I want to make more money. I want to get to bed on time and get plenty of sleep each night. I want to get my youngest daughter out of my bed and into her own. I want to throw away every single piece of clutter in this house and live simply. (That, of course, may involve finally speaking with a doctor about my adult ADD). I want to get my nails/hair/etc done regularly with set appointments so I don't put it off. I want to always look and feel my best. I want to teach my kids to always look and feel their best.
Most of all, I just want to continue everything I learned last year and keep on with it, making it a new way of life rather than an experiment.
But almost every goal I set for myself last year, I managed to keep up with and accomplish, so I feel it's really important for me to set those goals. This year is going to be more about maintaining the change and keeping the drama low more than anything. I just want peace and quiet for a good long while.
So here are the resolutions for each aspect of my life
1-Motherhood: Last year was spent concentrating on me, me and more me. It needed to be done, it was the first step in creating a happy home for my children...they needed a happy mom. It was me taking the oxygen from the oxygen mask first, and then assisting my children with theirs, just like they tell you on an airplane. Well, it's time to concentrate on them. Yes, I have them all in counseling and have been seriously doing the best I can. But it's time to buckle down, put down the iPhone, make sure each of them are getting one on one time with me, make sure their emotional needs are all being met, and that I am raising them the way I have always wanted to. We have been in survival mode for a long time around here. It's time to nurture them, mold them, work on building their character for the future. I need to concentrate on being the best mom I can be this year.
2-Love: My main goal for my relationship is to just get through it without flopping too badly on my face. I am all over the place. One minute, I am intoxicated and passionate and and could never picture life without Mr. Wonderful, the next I am freaked out and wondering if I really ever want to live with anyone again and do I *really* believe in marriage??? I get so so scared, so easily. I am so scared to take risks, that sometimes it sounds easier to just be alone for the rest of my life than to take a chance with a man who has been nothing but amazing. I start questioning EVERYTHING so much that I seriously told my own brain to just SHUT UP tonight. "Oh sure it's so incredible now, but just wait til you've been together FOREVER and all he wants is someone different and thinks you're naggy and can't stand to be near you and then what if he starts looking around for someone else, it happens to everyone" blah blah blah blah blah. I've even told myself that no man will ever come to appreciate me and what I offer without losing me first, I seriously heard that in my head today after having a conversation with The Ex. I've got to find a way to conquer these fears and this baggage that come from the person you trust most in the world betraying you in the worst way possible.....because I will end up talking myself into being alone forever, and I do not want that. But GAH...to think of it. What a risk, right?????
3-Career: I want to get BETTER at my job. Again, the theme of the past year has just been survival. I have not done my best work, I haven't branched out, I haven't pushed myself or followed any dreams. I spent the last year just trying to make it through without losing my business, and I did that. This year, I want to love my work again....I want to push myself to do the best work I'm capable of, and try things I've always wanted to try. I want to get organized and stop feeling like I'm always a step behind.
4-Health: Last January, I started eating right and exercising, lost 30 lbs, and have kept it off since then. In September after a long hiatus from working out after my Dad's surgery, I returned to the gym and began running and weightlifting. I have actual definition in my arms and legs, I'm smaller than I have been since high school, and I actually like how I look. Most of all, I feel amazing and healthy and strong, I feel in control, and you know sometimes I even feel beautiful. This year I just want to make that all keep going. I want to lose more fat and keep defining my muscle, I want to continue eating food that makes me feel good. I want to keep challenging myself. The biggest thing I need to change is to stop drinking diet soda. It is definetly my weakness and keeps me from drinking all the water I should. Other than that, I've been doing pretty well in the health department, and it feels really good to be able to say that for the first January in years.
5-Friendship: Anyone who reads this blog knows I have the most amazing friends ever. Sometimes I wonder why they stick with me, I need them SO MUCH and rarely have the time or the ability to help back. I don't call or reach out, not because I don't love them or don't think of them, just that I usually have three kids screaming and yelling in the background when I think of them or when they call me. This year, I really want to give back to those who helped me so much, whenever I can. No I can't always show up to someone's house with my 3 kids and help with things, but maybe I'll try and pick up the phone more when I have a quiet moment, or send texts or emails checking in. I really want to show them how much I love them and how much they mean to me, that will be a major priority for me this year.
6-General:
I want to hear a ton of live music and concerts. I want to find new bands/artists and fall in love with them. I want to experience more of my city, including it's art, restaurants, music, food, celebrations, and nightlife. I want to travel to new places I've never been. I want to get this old, 1980's-everything house updated. I want to stay on top of my responsibilities and not always feel behind. I want to finally get my son his braces and my daughter her bedroom. I want to make more money. I want to get to bed on time and get plenty of sleep each night. I want to get my youngest daughter out of my bed and into her own. I want to throw away every single piece of clutter in this house and live simply. (That, of course, may involve finally speaking with a doctor about my adult ADD). I want to get my nails/hair/etc done regularly with set appointments so I don't put it off. I want to always look and feel my best. I want to teach my kids to always look and feel their best.
Most of all, I just want to continue everything I learned last year and keep on with it, making it a new way of life rather than an experiment.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
2009-?!?!?!?!?
When I first thought about posting a year end review of 2009, the title in my head was "2009-KISS MY ASS" or "Good Riddance" or something of the sort. There is no doubt that this was a very tumultuous year for me. But I can't write 2009 off like that, because as much BS and heartache that this year brought for me, it also brought all the lessons and enlightenment that come along with all that crap, and many other blessings that I could now never see myself without.
They say that whatever you are doing at midnight on New Year's sets the precedence for how the rest of your year is going to go. Last New Year's Eve, the ex and I decided to share the kids for the evening and spend it all together one last time. It was awkward, miserable, and I spent half the night crying on the phone with my Dad wishing I was with him instead. Yes, I would say that pretty much set the tone for this past year.
Last January, the person closest to me in the entire world, my Dad, would call me and say he had a bit of news. He was hesitant to tell me, so I finally blurted out the last thing I thought it could possibly be: "What, Dad, do you have like a brain tumor or something?" Thinking of it is like a knife in my chest now. He comforted me over the phone as much as he could, as I was absolutely hysterical. But I knew that God would not take so much away from me at once...my marriage, my family, and now within just months of my separation, my father too? The man in my life, my rock, the only reason I was getting through??? No way. God wouldn't let that happen.
Just last week, I sat next to my father at what I think is his 12th hospital. He lay there staring at me. Completely unresponsive, twitching, 130 pounds of bones and skin, almost unrecognizable if not for his signature salt and pepper hair and brown eyes. 10 months of nothing but torture and agony, never seeming to get better. Hell on earth.
So, in 2009, I stopped believing in God. At least, the "God" that I always thought I knew, the God I grew up believing in.
There are no lessons from what has happened to my father, and there will never be one that is worth it to me to have lost him. I would give almost anything in my life up to have him back in some capacity.
That being said, I can't deny that this year brought about great change for me in many ways. I liberated myself, found myself, learned what true happiness is. I found out that I have the strength to get through anything, even when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and die. I didn't.
I began this year apprehensive and depressed about moving on from a marriage that was no good for me or my children, to a man that did not respect or care for anyone but himself. I spent the first several months grieving the death of that dream, realizing that my ex would never be who I thought he was for 12 years, and letting go of the role of wife after it was all I knew for so long.
Slowly I began to emerge from my depression and realize that life may not only be ok again, but better than I had ever imagined. I started to love and relish my freedom. I gladly waved goodbye to the resentment and anger that resided in my home for way too long. I found out that the best kind of happiness comes from the kind you create for yourself, because you are incapable of disappointing yourself.
Maybe most importantly, I discovered the power and importance of friendship. I discovered that there are people out there who care, who will show up to my house with food when I just can't do it, who will paint my hallway after my 2 year old goes on a Sharpie rampage, who will watch my children for me while I visit the hospital, who will hold my hand when I have difficult medical tests to get through myself.
I learned how healing laughter is, how great it feels to go out to eat and to a movie alone, how to feed my soul with all the things and people that I love. To someone who spent her entire adult life "doing" for a husband and 3 children, this was huge.
I learned a ton about being a single mom. I learned that to have a happy mother is to have happy children. That laundry doesn't always have to be put in drawers. That my money is best spent on hiring help for things that take time away from my family. That true friends don't care if my house is a disaster anyways. That I can ask for help and not be thought of as a burden. That my kids don't need much more in life than a mom who reads them bedtime stories, is affectionate and caring, and does her best. That they may not appreciate it now, but will someday. That friendships with other single moms are invaluable. That my single motherhood is a badge of honor, not a scarlett letter.
I also can't leave out that I'm wading my way, although maybe not quite so gracefully, through trying a serious relationship again. Learning how to hold onto everything I've learned, recognizing when I'm losing myself, sifting through what is my past baggage coming up versus what is possibly an actual problem. Learning how to be a whole person and not 1/2 of a couple is not easy, but also not swinging to the complete opposite end of the spectrum and keeping someone at arm's length. But all lessons that must be learned at some point, and with a man I am absolutely willing to try with.
I titled this blog "Desperately Seeking Me" almost exactly a year ago because I had no idea who I was without my marriage and the role I had played for so long. I felt lost and scared and alone. I can honestly say that I know exactly who I am now, and that I love who I have become. But I won't change the title because that search will never be over, there is a lifetime to discover new things about myself, and that I will always be changing and evolving and learning.
So this year at midnight, I will be surrounded by my 5 closest friends and their spouses, the man I love, good food, good drink, lots of laughter and happiness, and wishing for a miracle for my father. (feel free to join me on that one)
Here's to the endless possibilities for 2010, and I wish the best to all of you and yours.
D
They say that whatever you are doing at midnight on New Year's sets the precedence for how the rest of your year is going to go. Last New Year's Eve, the ex and I decided to share the kids for the evening and spend it all together one last time. It was awkward, miserable, and I spent half the night crying on the phone with my Dad wishing I was with him instead. Yes, I would say that pretty much set the tone for this past year.
Last January, the person closest to me in the entire world, my Dad, would call me and say he had a bit of news. He was hesitant to tell me, so I finally blurted out the last thing I thought it could possibly be: "What, Dad, do you have like a brain tumor or something?" Thinking of it is like a knife in my chest now. He comforted me over the phone as much as he could, as I was absolutely hysterical. But I knew that God would not take so much away from me at once...my marriage, my family, and now within just months of my separation, my father too? The man in my life, my rock, the only reason I was getting through??? No way. God wouldn't let that happen.
Just last week, I sat next to my father at what I think is his 12th hospital. He lay there staring at me. Completely unresponsive, twitching, 130 pounds of bones and skin, almost unrecognizable if not for his signature salt and pepper hair and brown eyes. 10 months of nothing but torture and agony, never seeming to get better. Hell on earth.
So, in 2009, I stopped believing in God. At least, the "God" that I always thought I knew, the God I grew up believing in.
There are no lessons from what has happened to my father, and there will never be one that is worth it to me to have lost him. I would give almost anything in my life up to have him back in some capacity.
That being said, I can't deny that this year brought about great change for me in many ways. I liberated myself, found myself, learned what true happiness is. I found out that I have the strength to get through anything, even when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and die. I didn't.
I began this year apprehensive and depressed about moving on from a marriage that was no good for me or my children, to a man that did not respect or care for anyone but himself. I spent the first several months grieving the death of that dream, realizing that my ex would never be who I thought he was for 12 years, and letting go of the role of wife after it was all I knew for so long.
Slowly I began to emerge from my depression and realize that life may not only be ok again, but better than I had ever imagined. I started to love and relish my freedom. I gladly waved goodbye to the resentment and anger that resided in my home for way too long. I found out that the best kind of happiness comes from the kind you create for yourself, because you are incapable of disappointing yourself.
Maybe most importantly, I discovered the power and importance of friendship. I discovered that there are people out there who care, who will show up to my house with food when I just can't do it, who will paint my hallway after my 2 year old goes on a Sharpie rampage, who will watch my children for me while I visit the hospital, who will hold my hand when I have difficult medical tests to get through myself.
I learned how healing laughter is, how great it feels to go out to eat and to a movie alone, how to feed my soul with all the things and people that I love. To someone who spent her entire adult life "doing" for a husband and 3 children, this was huge.
I learned a ton about being a single mom. I learned that to have a happy mother is to have happy children. That laundry doesn't always have to be put in drawers. That my money is best spent on hiring help for things that take time away from my family. That true friends don't care if my house is a disaster anyways. That I can ask for help and not be thought of as a burden. That my kids don't need much more in life than a mom who reads them bedtime stories, is affectionate and caring, and does her best. That they may not appreciate it now, but will someday. That friendships with other single moms are invaluable. That my single motherhood is a badge of honor, not a scarlett letter.
I also can't leave out that I'm wading my way, although maybe not quite so gracefully, through trying a serious relationship again. Learning how to hold onto everything I've learned, recognizing when I'm losing myself, sifting through what is my past baggage coming up versus what is possibly an actual problem. Learning how to be a whole person and not 1/2 of a couple is not easy, but also not swinging to the complete opposite end of the spectrum and keeping someone at arm's length. But all lessons that must be learned at some point, and with a man I am absolutely willing to try with.
I titled this blog "Desperately Seeking Me" almost exactly a year ago because I had no idea who I was without my marriage and the role I had played for so long. I felt lost and scared and alone. I can honestly say that I know exactly who I am now, and that I love who I have become. But I won't change the title because that search will never be over, there is a lifetime to discover new things about myself, and that I will always be changing and evolving and learning.
So this year at midnight, I will be surrounded by my 5 closest friends and their spouses, the man I love, good food, good drink, lots of laughter and happiness, and wishing for a miracle for my father. (feel free to join me on that one)
Here's to the endless possibilities for 2010, and I wish the best to all of you and yours.
D
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Christmas
Finally getting a chance to sit down in front of my computer after a marathon week or so of doing this Christmas thing on my own. PHEW is all I have to say.
Yes, the kids have a Dad and yes, he seriously does mean well but GAH it's like dealing with another child which makes me so glad every. single. time I deal with him that I made the decision I did.
For starters, he and I had agreed to take the kids to see Santa together. Some things you just can't do twice and this is one of them. I emailed him the date I could go weeks in advance, it was literally the only chance I had. A few days ahead of time, he wrote and said he had made an appointment with his therapist that evening, because he "really needed it" and couldn't do it any other time (evidently he's having a hard time with my boyfriend being back in town). He said he'd try to make it on time. He didn't make it and then got mad at ME for him not being there. I won't even try to explain that one. I also didn't think about it that much as I've come to expect things like that lately from him. Self-centered narcissist, that one.
Then Christmas morning, we had agreed Santa would come to my house. Now keep in mind: I stayed up til 2am the night before, baking cookies for Santa, wrapping gifts, getting Santa gifts from the attic, organizing who got what, finding batteries for each toy, stuffing stockings, cleaning up, preparing for my family to come over the next day. I usually try and have all the toys out of their boxes, assembled and ready to go, but gave up at 2am and decided to sleep instead. I assumed that the other parent would at least help with all the assembly in the morning. (You know what they say about assuming)
He walked in, took my last drink out of my fridge, ate all my food, sat on his ass and watched the kids open gifts, and then said goodbye and left. If you have children, especially if you have multiple children, then try imagining (maybe you don't have to) taking toys for 3 kids out of boxes (why do they use so many of those damn twisty ties!! and tape on TOP of the twisty ties!! WTF!), putting batteries in most of those toys, picking up the boxes and all the tiny ties, picking up the wrapping paper, in the meantime missing out on the best part of Christmas, watching the kids enjoy their gifts. I started out with the mantra "I can do this" but after about an hour literally curled up in a ball on the floor and gave up. Luckily, my mother arrived eventually, swept in and saved the day. Which is one of the major lessons I have learned over this past year: It Is Ok To Need And To Ask For Help!!!
Once she arrived it didn't feel so overwhelming anymore, she let me go take a shower and then I felt a little more ready to face the rest of the day.
The rest of the day. Once the kids opened gifts from my immediate family, they went to their Dad's, and I met my brother and his wife over at my Dad's new hospital. My Dad---just when you think it can't get any worse. That's all I'll say, it's really bad, and it was a tough afternoon. If you can imagine the worst nightmare you've ever had, one that sends chills up your spine everytime you think of it....that's what it's like spending time with my father right now.
And then I had to leave there and try to suck it up and not ruin Mr. Wonderful's Christmas in the process. He is very understanding but it was his first time to be home at Christmas, our first one together...and I didn't want think about my Dad. But of course it takes me a while to get back out of "worst nightmare" mode and back into "me" mode. He managed to help with that though by giving me the most thoughtful Christmas presents I've ever gotten, even a 3 page love letter that I've read a hundred times by now. That was probably my favorite gift of the entire day.
So much I want to write about but I'll stop for now. Hope everyone out there had the happiest of holidays.
Yes, the kids have a Dad and yes, he seriously does mean well but GAH it's like dealing with another child which makes me so glad every. single. time I deal with him that I made the decision I did.
For starters, he and I had agreed to take the kids to see Santa together. Some things you just can't do twice and this is one of them. I emailed him the date I could go weeks in advance, it was literally the only chance I had. A few days ahead of time, he wrote and said he had made an appointment with his therapist that evening, because he "really needed it" and couldn't do it any other time (evidently he's having a hard time with my boyfriend being back in town). He said he'd try to make it on time. He didn't make it and then got mad at ME for him not being there. I won't even try to explain that one. I also didn't think about it that much as I've come to expect things like that lately from him. Self-centered narcissist, that one.
Then Christmas morning, we had agreed Santa would come to my house. Now keep in mind: I stayed up til 2am the night before, baking cookies for Santa, wrapping gifts, getting Santa gifts from the attic, organizing who got what, finding batteries for each toy, stuffing stockings, cleaning up, preparing for my family to come over the next day. I usually try and have all the toys out of their boxes, assembled and ready to go, but gave up at 2am and decided to sleep instead. I assumed that the other parent would at least help with all the assembly in the morning. (You know what they say about assuming)
He walked in, took my last drink out of my fridge, ate all my food, sat on his ass and watched the kids open gifts, and then said goodbye and left. If you have children, especially if you have multiple children, then try imagining (maybe you don't have to) taking toys for 3 kids out of boxes (why do they use so many of those damn twisty ties!! and tape on TOP of the twisty ties!! WTF!), putting batteries in most of those toys, picking up the boxes and all the tiny ties, picking up the wrapping paper, in the meantime missing out on the best part of Christmas, watching the kids enjoy their gifts. I started out with the mantra "I can do this" but after about an hour literally curled up in a ball on the floor and gave up. Luckily, my mother arrived eventually, swept in and saved the day. Which is one of the major lessons I have learned over this past year: It Is Ok To Need And To Ask For Help!!!
Once she arrived it didn't feel so overwhelming anymore, she let me go take a shower and then I felt a little more ready to face the rest of the day.
The rest of the day. Once the kids opened gifts from my immediate family, they went to their Dad's, and I met my brother and his wife over at my Dad's new hospital. My Dad---just when you think it can't get any worse. That's all I'll say, it's really bad, and it was a tough afternoon. If you can imagine the worst nightmare you've ever had, one that sends chills up your spine everytime you think of it....that's what it's like spending time with my father right now.
And then I had to leave there and try to suck it up and not ruin Mr. Wonderful's Christmas in the process. He is very understanding but it was his first time to be home at Christmas, our first one together...and I didn't want think about my Dad. But of course it takes me a while to get back out of "worst nightmare" mode and back into "me" mode. He managed to help with that though by giving me the most thoughtful Christmas presents I've ever gotten, even a 3 page love letter that I've read a hundred times by now. That was probably my favorite gift of the entire day.
So much I want to write about but I'll stop for now. Hope everyone out there had the happiest of holidays.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Transition, Transition, Transition.
Sooo much to write about, there is no way I can get through it all.
I haven't written because well, it's 2 weeks to Christmas, I'm a single mom who runs a business, and adjusting to life with a boyfriend who lives in the same city as me, not to mention the same COUNTRY, is kicking my ass.
First: Although I was a single mom during the holidays last year, the ex and I still had not worked out a custody arrangement and were still doing things together. We have annual traditions with the kids that I have carried over from when I was a child. Tree Day where we put up our decorations and tree and watch holiday movies, a day of ice skating around a giant Christmas tree at a mall nearby, a night of driving around town to see all the amazing Christmas lights, a trip to Holiday in the Park at our local Six Flags, and a trip to another mall to see what my kids think is The Real Santa. All of these things are usually spread out one per weekend in December, with the help of at least the ex, and usually one or both of my parents. This year, I have the kids ONE weekend in December before Christmas, and it was this weekend. So right after Thanksgiving we put up the tree, and this weekend fit EVERYTHING else in. Friday night amusement park, Saturday day ice skating, Saturday night Christmas lights. I. Am. EXHAUSTED. Luckily, I have my close group of friends to help me with many of these things, although the ice skating and lights I did completely alone. I think it's safe to say I won't be doing that again anytime soon. Ever taken a 3, 6, and 11 year old ice skating at a crowded mall on one of the biggest shopping days of the year??? Add in an 8am soccer game, a dead car battery, and a huge tantrum-laced argument with the pre-teen right beforehand and I was seriously in tears by the end of the day. But I made every attempt to focus on them and how much I love them and want to create these memories with them, because after all, they did not choose this life with a single mom. We did end up having a great weekend together, and we definetly needed it. I love those babies like no other and cherish every second I have with them, even if it is exhausting and challenging every second :)
Second: wow, what a transition it has been with Mr. Wonderful being home. I am happy to say that after this weekend, it finally feels like we are getting into our groove again. But there were some very slippery moments where we almost lost "us", mostly from sheer exhaustion and uncertainty. His first week at home happened to come at a time when a few things fell apart for me, AND at my most stressful time of the year for work and personal (see above). My back went out, and my father was put back on a ventilator, all the while Mr. W is trying to completely furnish an apartment starting with nothing and starting a whole new life here. Total and complete chaos. The "neediness" I wrote about in my last blog post dissipated when real life hit me again the next day. I had no trouble getting back to work and back to life, but getting he and I all back in sync has been a huuuuuge transition. I really thought we were done at one point, and couldn't sleep an entire night from the panic at the thought of losing him after finally establishing to myself that I don't necessarily NEED him (codependency) but absolutely WANT him (love). It took an entire solid day of communicating the way we learned when he was overseas, but we finally got it, and have been healing from that ever since. And like I said before, we are starting to feel like "us" again and it has been great. I did have the kids all weekend which left him the weekend free to catch up with his friends and family, and I think we both needed it. It was great to hear about him reconnecting with everyone, hearing about him happy makes me happy, and it was nice to hear that he missed me.
There will still be bumps and obstacles to come, we have so much more to face together; but we both promised each other this week that we would commit 100% to working through every issue until it was resolved, and committed also to staying together. This is the man I love and want to be with...the man who writes me love letters that melt me to the floor, who makes sure my ears aren't too cold when I forget a winter hat, who makes sure the first thing I see when I wake up is a good morning message from him, who is trying to get to know my overwhelmingly close-knit group of friends, opens my car doors and lets me pick the music, tells me I'm beautiful, and most importantly this week, rubbed my back and whispered into my ear how much he loved me while I sobbed over my father's broken body in ICU. I'm never letting this one get away.
I also need to say here, THANK YOU to all of the comments left on my last post. I love hearing from you guys and I soak up all of your words of wisdom and experience, from both my friends/family but also to those "strangers" out there. I am learning so much in this journey and I know that I learn just as much, if not more, from the valleys as I do the peaks. It also gives me so much joy to know that anything I've said here might help anyone else out there reading. That sounds so damn cliche, but it is SO true. This is a really, really hard life, not only going through a divorce but then figuring out how to be a single mom, then figuring out how to be a single DATING mom, and all that comes next. We all need all the help we can get :)
-Me
I haven't written because well, it's 2 weeks to Christmas, I'm a single mom who runs a business, and adjusting to life with a boyfriend who lives in the same city as me, not to mention the same COUNTRY, is kicking my ass.
First: Although I was a single mom during the holidays last year, the ex and I still had not worked out a custody arrangement and were still doing things together. We have annual traditions with the kids that I have carried over from when I was a child. Tree Day where we put up our decorations and tree and watch holiday movies, a day of ice skating around a giant Christmas tree at a mall nearby, a night of driving around town to see all the amazing Christmas lights, a trip to Holiday in the Park at our local Six Flags, and a trip to another mall to see what my kids think is The Real Santa. All of these things are usually spread out one per weekend in December, with the help of at least the ex, and usually one or both of my parents. This year, I have the kids ONE weekend in December before Christmas, and it was this weekend. So right after Thanksgiving we put up the tree, and this weekend fit EVERYTHING else in. Friday night amusement park, Saturday day ice skating, Saturday night Christmas lights. I. Am. EXHAUSTED. Luckily, I have my close group of friends to help me with many of these things, although the ice skating and lights I did completely alone. I think it's safe to say I won't be doing that again anytime soon. Ever taken a 3, 6, and 11 year old ice skating at a crowded mall on one of the biggest shopping days of the year??? Add in an 8am soccer game, a dead car battery, and a huge tantrum-laced argument with the pre-teen right beforehand and I was seriously in tears by the end of the day. But I made every attempt to focus on them and how much I love them and want to create these memories with them, because after all, they did not choose this life with a single mom. We did end up having a great weekend together, and we definetly needed it. I love those babies like no other and cherish every second I have with them, even if it is exhausting and challenging every second :)
Second: wow, what a transition it has been with Mr. Wonderful being home. I am happy to say that after this weekend, it finally feels like we are getting into our groove again. But there were some very slippery moments where we almost lost "us", mostly from sheer exhaustion and uncertainty. His first week at home happened to come at a time when a few things fell apart for me, AND at my most stressful time of the year for work and personal (see above). My back went out, and my father was put back on a ventilator, all the while Mr. W is trying to completely furnish an apartment starting with nothing and starting a whole new life here. Total and complete chaos. The "neediness" I wrote about in my last blog post dissipated when real life hit me again the next day. I had no trouble getting back to work and back to life, but getting he and I all back in sync has been a huuuuuge transition. I really thought we were done at one point, and couldn't sleep an entire night from the panic at the thought of losing him after finally establishing to myself that I don't necessarily NEED him (codependency) but absolutely WANT him (love). It took an entire solid day of communicating the way we learned when he was overseas, but we finally got it, and have been healing from that ever since. And like I said before, we are starting to feel like "us" again and it has been great. I did have the kids all weekend which left him the weekend free to catch up with his friends and family, and I think we both needed it. It was great to hear about him reconnecting with everyone, hearing about him happy makes me happy, and it was nice to hear that he missed me.
There will still be bumps and obstacles to come, we have so much more to face together; but we both promised each other this week that we would commit 100% to working through every issue until it was resolved, and committed also to staying together. This is the man I love and want to be with...the man who writes me love letters that melt me to the floor, who makes sure my ears aren't too cold when I forget a winter hat, who makes sure the first thing I see when I wake up is a good morning message from him, who is trying to get to know my overwhelmingly close-knit group of friends, opens my car doors and lets me pick the music, tells me I'm beautiful, and most importantly this week, rubbed my back and whispered into my ear how much he loved me while I sobbed over my father's broken body in ICU. I'm never letting this one get away.
I also need to say here, THANK YOU to all of the comments left on my last post. I love hearing from you guys and I soak up all of your words of wisdom and experience, from both my friends/family but also to those "strangers" out there. I am learning so much in this journey and I know that I learn just as much, if not more, from the valleys as I do the peaks. It also gives me so much joy to know that anything I've said here might help anyone else out there reading. That sounds so damn cliche, but it is SO true. This is a really, really hard life, not only going through a divorce but then figuring out how to be a single mom, then figuring out how to be a single DATING mom, and all that comes next. We all need all the help we can get :)
-Me
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