Today I had lunch with my Dad. I haven't been one-on-one with him in awhile. It is really, really tough to see him going through this. I know he is trying to be in good spirits, but the worry is written all over his face. He seems depressed, which if you know my Dad, is rare...he's the most easy-going person I have ever known. I hate the waiting and can't wait to have him out of surgery and recovering. He is just too young to be going through this.
Let me just preface my next paragraph by saying I have raging PMS right now, which for me either means I'm downright bitchy to an emotional wreck.
Earlier this week the guy that I met on VDay had texted me. Before when we had first met them, he and his friends had talked about being in a band...which I thought was the coolest thing ever. LOVE musicians. After he texted I mentioned coming to see them play sometime, and he said that we should come and see them this Saturday. I asked for details and he never texted back, then I called yesterday and left a message and never heard back.
Our theory? They lied about being in the band like a bunch of stupid boys would do and now don't know what to do.
Ugh.
So, Boy #1 (formerly known as Hottie) has been written off completely.
It was gloomy outside today, I have PMS, so take this with a grain of salt...it really got me down. My first run out of the gate and this is what happened. I am telling myself that it's for the best because I only have room in my life for authentic, honest people, guys and girls...and I believe it, but it will be easier to swallow when the hormones stop raging.
It doesn't help that I had dinner with a single friend Wednesday night who went on and on about how tough it is out there, and that all single men are freaks. The night before that, a Sex and the City episode where Carrie was prompted to ask the question "Are all single men freaks?" Ugh, who needs it.
I'm forgetting about it and tomorrow night instead of seeing his Pretend Band play, I will find something else awesome to do.
I just wanted to be sure and write about the experience so the next time I'm tempted to give out my number, I won't :)
PS--Trying to get a feel for who is reading...can you take a sec and answer the poll above? (click here if you're on a blog reader to come to the page)
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Graduated
Well, I am happy to report that after 2 years of seeing my therapist every week, first for marriage counseling and eventually on my own to recover from the separation, she let me know tonight that I am doing so well that she wants to try seeing me every other week, and then eventually just as needed!
I also weaned myself off of my anti-depressants last week and can report no change in my excellent mood.
So things are going really well. Better than I could have imagined. She thinks it is a shift in thinking, and that I have been making this happen. I like that, and I'll take it.
So now what do I write about?????
Well, plenty I guess. I still have to file for divorce. Dad's surgery is in less than 2 weeks. I have alot I want to do with my life, more "dating myself". I also would like to get out there and casually date a little. I have three kids still going through this process (although they are still doing remarkably well, too.) With only a few exceptions, I see nothing but great things ahead for me and can't wait to make them happen.
I also weaned myself off of my anti-depressants last week and can report no change in my excellent mood.
So things are going really well. Better than I could have imagined. She thinks it is a shift in thinking, and that I have been making this happen. I like that, and I'll take it.
So now what do I write about?????
Well, plenty I guess. I still have to file for divorce. Dad's surgery is in less than 2 weeks. I have alot I want to do with my life, more "dating myself". I also would like to get out there and casually date a little. I have three kids still going through this process (although they are still doing remarkably well, too.) With only a few exceptions, I see nothing but great things ahead for me and can't wait to make them happen.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The Process to Remarkable
"You're doing remarkably well!"
I'm hearing that alot lately.
My friends are amazed and awed at my incredibly quick turnaround. It actually amazes me to look back at my old posts and see how far I've come so fast. I was wondering today how it could have happened, questioning whether this happiness will actually last and if it is sincere or just a temporary reprieve...
The thing is, the most painful part is over. The actual unwinding of lives was the worst and the most painful. The realization that it was OVER was so, so hard. Something I've learned in therapy is not to bottle up feelings anymore (I was a professional bottler-upper). When something comes up, write about it, cry about it, feel every gut wrenching twinge of angst and pain with every part of your being, or else it never goes away.
For example, 11 years ago I lost a baby mid-pregnancy (6 months along). Being as young as I was (21) with no resources or support, I did the best I could to grieve. I was young and vulnerable to the pressures of society to "move on". I shoved all that grieving away and every year it would eat me alive. Last year, talking to my therapist about the situation, she had me re-live it for her. I cried and moaned and felt sick for a week. But I got it out, after TEN YEARS. It festered and boiled under the surface all that time, but now I can deal.
So through that experience I have learned that it is important to feel everything. I've been putting that into practice for two years of therapy now and feel like it really helped my process along.
Another factor is that my husband is making this easy for me. I look at him now and feel sad, but only for him. He is in a bad place. He is conflicted, confused, and miserable. I have just enough space to have some perspective and to see him as he really is. And I'm seeing myself in a new light too, and I do NOT want to be in the midst of that mess. This life is so much better. My house is totally free of tension and unsaid things. It is now full of love, nurturing, confidence, and laughter. It's amazing how many ways the negativity manifested itself. In the way we ate, the way we slept, the way we lived our everyday life. In 1.5 months, 20 lbs has fallen off of me. I have gained more friends than I have ever had in my life. My kids laugh more, get better grades at school. It has snowballed into this wonderful thing that I am not willing to let go of, EVER.
My next goal is to work on my "list of me". I was reading through it last night and was so surprised at how many I have worked on without even trying to. I've been dancing, I've downloaded a ton of new music and listen to it at all times, I've been going to yoga and love it so much that I go twice a week now, I've had my hair done, I'm loving my job again, I'm going to 2 concerts in the next 4 months, I've tried tons of new restaurants, I saw almost every movie nominated for the Oscars this year, I've had massages just about every other week, I've noticed myself looking strangers in the face again and smiling, I've read several books, bought myself tons of new pj's, bought myself a new bedding set that is all mine, and I've been rollerskating with my kids.
Something I was thinking about was finding a way to sing again...either looking around for some kind of part time thing (singing in a band would be my dream) or with my church choir. If not, maybe just forcing my friends to karaoke every once in a while. I have also been looking at a place close by that gives belly dancing lessons. Why not???
As far as my job, I think that the reason I am coming to enjoy it again is because of all of the above. It is just a piece of my life now, it isn't my entire life...so I don't resent it anymore (well, a little, but that is fading). I feel like I'm getting plenty of time to myself, plenty of time with my kids, and then instead of procrastinating my work I'm sitting down to it with no problem. I am also coming to the perspective of complete and total gratefulness. I took December, January and half of February off...with almost no repercussions...how many people get to do that? I am here for my kids, I can meet friends on Wednesday mornings for coffee, I can work or not work depending on how much I'm making. Ya, it's hard work, but I have it made.
In actuality, it has been 2.5 very long years of pain and suffering. The turnaround does seem fast but only because it seemingly got worse before it got better.
Whatever, I'll take it!!!
I'm hearing that alot lately.
My friends are amazed and awed at my incredibly quick turnaround. It actually amazes me to look back at my old posts and see how far I've come so fast. I was wondering today how it could have happened, questioning whether this happiness will actually last and if it is sincere or just a temporary reprieve...
The thing is, the most painful part is over. The actual unwinding of lives was the worst and the most painful. The realization that it was OVER was so, so hard. Something I've learned in therapy is not to bottle up feelings anymore (I was a professional bottler-upper). When something comes up, write about it, cry about it, feel every gut wrenching twinge of angst and pain with every part of your being, or else it never goes away.
For example, 11 years ago I lost a baby mid-pregnancy (6 months along). Being as young as I was (21) with no resources or support, I did the best I could to grieve. I was young and vulnerable to the pressures of society to "move on". I shoved all that grieving away and every year it would eat me alive. Last year, talking to my therapist about the situation, she had me re-live it for her. I cried and moaned and felt sick for a week. But I got it out, after TEN YEARS. It festered and boiled under the surface all that time, but now I can deal.
So through that experience I have learned that it is important to feel everything. I've been putting that into practice for two years of therapy now and feel like it really helped my process along.
Another factor is that my husband is making this easy for me. I look at him now and feel sad, but only for him. He is in a bad place. He is conflicted, confused, and miserable. I have just enough space to have some perspective and to see him as he really is. And I'm seeing myself in a new light too, and I do NOT want to be in the midst of that mess. This life is so much better. My house is totally free of tension and unsaid things. It is now full of love, nurturing, confidence, and laughter. It's amazing how many ways the negativity manifested itself. In the way we ate, the way we slept, the way we lived our everyday life. In 1.5 months, 20 lbs has fallen off of me. I have gained more friends than I have ever had in my life. My kids laugh more, get better grades at school. It has snowballed into this wonderful thing that I am not willing to let go of, EVER.
My next goal is to work on my "list of me". I was reading through it last night and was so surprised at how many I have worked on without even trying to. I've been dancing, I've downloaded a ton of new music and listen to it at all times, I've been going to yoga and love it so much that I go twice a week now, I've had my hair done, I'm loving my job again, I'm going to 2 concerts in the next 4 months, I've tried tons of new restaurants, I saw almost every movie nominated for the Oscars this year, I've had massages just about every other week, I've noticed myself looking strangers in the face again and smiling, I've read several books, bought myself tons of new pj's, bought myself a new bedding set that is all mine, and I've been rollerskating with my kids.
Something I was thinking about was finding a way to sing again...either looking around for some kind of part time thing (singing in a band would be my dream) or with my church choir. If not, maybe just forcing my friends to karaoke every once in a while. I have also been looking at a place close by that gives belly dancing lessons. Why not???
As far as my job, I think that the reason I am coming to enjoy it again is because of all of the above. It is just a piece of my life now, it isn't my entire life...so I don't resent it anymore (well, a little, but that is fading). I feel like I'm getting plenty of time to myself, plenty of time with my kids, and then instead of procrastinating my work I'm sitting down to it with no problem. I am also coming to the perspective of complete and total gratefulness. I took December, January and half of February off...with almost no repercussions...how many people get to do that? I am here for my kids, I can meet friends on Wednesday mornings for coffee, I can work or not work depending on how much I'm making. Ya, it's hard work, but I have it made.
In actuality, it has been 2.5 very long years of pain and suffering. The turnaround does seem fast but only because it seemingly got worse before it got better.
Whatever, I'll take it!!!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Miss Independent
I love this song (not necessarily the video, so just close your eyes and listen) ...to me it really sums up the kind of woman I am becoming...
Sunday, February 22, 2009
The Missing Ingredient
I feel amazing! I never thought I would have the ability to feel so happy during this process! I am not kidding myself into believing that there are not more hard times to come (filing and finalizing the divorce, future partners, etc.) but I honestly feel I have come through the worst and am on the other side! And I am also learning to celebrate these happy moments...being unhappy for so many years has given me SUCH an appreciation for the wholeness and fulfillment I feel right now. It puts the depths of despair into perspective: would I appreciate my happiness as much if I had not been through the valleys?
This weekend I made several babysteps towards building myself my own life. I bought myself new, smaller clothes after celebrating a momentous weigh-in: I'm the thinnest I've been in 5 years, and I'm HEALTHY. I splurged this weekend on a gorgeous new bedding set that is ALL MINE...my colors, my fabric, my choice. No old memories associated with it, just new ones of independence and freedom. This evening while I watch the Oscars I am packing all of my husbands crap into trash bags for him to finally take with him.
Last night my husband tried to reel me in for a dramatic conversation or a guilt trip of some sort and I didn't even flinch. I dismissed it and didn't beat myself up over what he had said or even give it a second thought. (it must be driving him nuts to see me so confident, happy, and thriving on my own)
I LOVE MY LIFE. The missing ingredient is no longer missing! I am so happy and I love my kids, my house, my job, and most importantly, MYSELF!!!!! And THAT was the missing ingredient!
This poem was in my divorce recovery workbook, and I think it perfectly describes the place I am at right now:
This weekend I made several babysteps towards building myself my own life. I bought myself new, smaller clothes after celebrating a momentous weigh-in: I'm the thinnest I've been in 5 years, and I'm HEALTHY. I splurged this weekend on a gorgeous new bedding set that is ALL MINE...my colors, my fabric, my choice. No old memories associated with it, just new ones of independence and freedom. This evening while I watch the Oscars I am packing all of my husbands crap into trash bags for him to finally take with him.
Last night my husband tried to reel me in for a dramatic conversation or a guilt trip of some sort and I didn't even flinch. I dismissed it and didn't beat myself up over what he had said or even give it a second thought. (it must be driving him nuts to see me so confident, happy, and thriving on my own)
I LOVE MY LIFE. The missing ingredient is no longer missing! I am so happy and I love my kids, my house, my job, and most importantly, MYSELF!!!!! And THAT was the missing ingredient!
This poem was in my divorce recovery workbook, and I think it perfectly describes the place I am at right now:
COMES THE DAWN
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
Nor does company mean security
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open.
With the grace of a woman/man, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads on today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight
After a while you even learn that sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn you really can endure...
That you really are strong...
That you really do have worth.
And you learn and you learn.
With every goodbye, you learn.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I am healing!
Oh what a couple of days this has been. But I have good news...
I AM HEALING!!!
It dawned on me last night, as I prepared to go to sleep...
When we first separated, by far the worst time of day was at night when the lights went off and I was ALONE. At first, I kept the tv on all night and took meds to sleep. After awhile I would fall asleep with only the tv on but it stayed on all night. Eventually I stayed up way too late watching and would only turn it off to sleep when I couldn't keep my lids open. More recently I started turning it off early and falling asleep to classical music. Last night, I noticed that there was no empty feeling, no "someone is missing and I am desperately alone" feeling, anywhere in sight. So I turned off my light, layed down with no tv or music, and went right to sleep. I slept better last night than I have in months. And I woke up with "I am healing!" running through my brain. What a great feeling!!!!
Here I am with a whole new perspective on being alone. I not only like it...I friggin' LOVE it. The recent disruptive behavior by my husband has made all of my doubts go away as to whether I was making the right decision. He is making that really easy by acting like an asshole.
I met with my therapist tonight and told her all about my new perspective, my amazing Valentine's Day...and how I "get it" now...the whole being single thing. Not just being single, but being WHOLE. I can carry this attitude into my next relationship with me. No one has to take care of me, no one has to spoil me, no one is responsible for me but ME. That is such a freeing feeling!!
We talked alot about the situation with my husband wanting to create this drama and she gave me a great perspective on that too. I am not giving it another thought, I'm not engaging in this codependency he is trying to force me into. I will not let his drama ruin my happiness. Because it has been a LONG time since I felt happy and at peace, and NO ONE is going to take that away from me.
And PS because I have a few friends who were waiting to hear about this--I asked her about the dating thing. She said it wasn't her call, but I asked for her opinion because I did not want to be detrimental to my process in any way. She thinks I need to get through this drama and my Dad's surgery, and that I need to work with her about seeing "red flags" in future men so I don't jump back into the same type of situation. I have to say I agree. But if cute guy calls me I'm gonna tell him to give me a couple of months :)
I AM HEALING!!!
It dawned on me last night, as I prepared to go to sleep...
When we first separated, by far the worst time of day was at night when the lights went off and I was ALONE. At first, I kept the tv on all night and took meds to sleep. After awhile I would fall asleep with only the tv on but it stayed on all night. Eventually I stayed up way too late watching and would only turn it off to sleep when I couldn't keep my lids open. More recently I started turning it off early and falling asleep to classical music. Last night, I noticed that there was no empty feeling, no "someone is missing and I am desperately alone" feeling, anywhere in sight. So I turned off my light, layed down with no tv or music, and went right to sleep. I slept better last night than I have in months. And I woke up with "I am healing!" running through my brain. What a great feeling!!!!
Here I am with a whole new perspective on being alone. I not only like it...I friggin' LOVE it. The recent disruptive behavior by my husband has made all of my doubts go away as to whether I was making the right decision. He is making that really easy by acting like an asshole.
I met with my therapist tonight and told her all about my new perspective, my amazing Valentine's Day...and how I "get it" now...the whole being single thing. Not just being single, but being WHOLE. I can carry this attitude into my next relationship with me. No one has to take care of me, no one has to spoil me, no one is responsible for me but ME. That is such a freeing feeling!!
We talked alot about the situation with my husband wanting to create this drama and she gave me a great perspective on that too. I am not giving it another thought, I'm not engaging in this codependency he is trying to force me into. I will not let his drama ruin my happiness. Because it has been a LONG time since I felt happy and at peace, and NO ONE is going to take that away from me.
And PS because I have a few friends who were waiting to hear about this--I asked her about the dating thing. She said it wasn't her call, but I asked for her opinion because I did not want to be detrimental to my process in any way. She thinks I need to get through this drama and my Dad's surgery, and that I need to work with her about seeing "red flags" in future men so I don't jump back into the same type of situation. I have to say I agree. But if cute guy calls me I'm gonna tell him to give me a couple of months :)
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Crack
UGH.
He has decided to go ahead with his plan to talk to the family member. I am so furious about this.
My thoughts after a day of mulling it over? Is he trying to create drama with me because at least we are now conversing? Is this a sick way of keeping me in his world?
Or is he just that selfish? (probably both)
He at least decided to wait until after my dad's surgery. I hope he reconsiders after some time. He is only doing this for revenge and when it all blows up in his face he is going to regret it. Except that it won't just be his face it blows up in. The family member is going to be furious at me for opening my mouth. I am so mad at myself for confiding this in my husband right now...but he was my husband, I thought we were supposed to not keep secrets. Ha.
Anyways.
Here is what else is on my mind...
I was talking to my friends who were with me on Valentine's Day about the guy I met. I have found myself thinking about him alot. I try to force it out of my head and focus on other things, but he seems to slip back in there. It's like a shot of happiness or something. Ugh what IS that? It's annoying me. I am not supposed to be thinking about guys or dating or anything like that. I need time to recover, I haven't even started the divorce process yet. I totally see how people get trapped into new relationships so suddenly. My life has been such a thunderstorm, and having him around was like this amazing ray of sunshine...and damn it I want more sunshine!! I am trying to figure out the healthy way to handle this. Do I just wait until I forget about it, try to keep forcing it out of my mind? Is there something I need to be doing so that I don't fall into something new before I'm ready?
My marriage to my husband was dead and lonely years before it fell apart. I feel like I have been alone forever, not just months. Having a hand on my hand...wanting eyes looking directly into mine...sharing laughs...it's like crack right now!! I want more crack!!!
Ms. Single Mama just had a very timely post over at her blog about this exact subject. I've been reading it and the comments over and over again, trying to soak it in. I look back at who I was just a year ago, just 6 months ago even...and can't believe how far I've come in so many ways. And so I know that a year from now I will look back on myself at this point and be amazed at my growth. I've never been really patient though. It's a weakness, especially when it comes to love.
It does me no good just to ignore it. I need to talk through this and figure out what is right for me. (God why can't it just be right for me to fall into a big sturdy man's arms and have all my pain taken away ;) )
He has decided to go ahead with his plan to talk to the family member. I am so furious about this.
My thoughts after a day of mulling it over? Is he trying to create drama with me because at least we are now conversing? Is this a sick way of keeping me in his world?
Or is he just that selfish? (probably both)
He at least decided to wait until after my dad's surgery. I hope he reconsiders after some time. He is only doing this for revenge and when it all blows up in his face he is going to regret it. Except that it won't just be his face it blows up in. The family member is going to be furious at me for opening my mouth. I am so mad at myself for confiding this in my husband right now...but he was my husband, I thought we were supposed to not keep secrets. Ha.
Anyways.
Here is what else is on my mind...
I was talking to my friends who were with me on Valentine's Day about the guy I met. I have found myself thinking about him alot. I try to force it out of my head and focus on other things, but he seems to slip back in there. It's like a shot of happiness or something. Ugh what IS that? It's annoying me. I am not supposed to be thinking about guys or dating or anything like that. I need time to recover, I haven't even started the divorce process yet. I totally see how people get trapped into new relationships so suddenly. My life has been such a thunderstorm, and having him around was like this amazing ray of sunshine...and damn it I want more sunshine!! I am trying to figure out the healthy way to handle this. Do I just wait until I forget about it, try to keep forcing it out of my mind? Is there something I need to be doing so that I don't fall into something new before I'm ready?
My marriage to my husband was dead and lonely years before it fell apart. I feel like I have been alone forever, not just months. Having a hand on my hand...wanting eyes looking directly into mine...sharing laughs...it's like crack right now!! I want more crack!!!
Ms. Single Mama just had a very timely post over at her blog about this exact subject. I've been reading it and the comments over and over again, trying to soak it in. I look back at who I was just a year ago, just 6 months ago even...and can't believe how far I've come in so many ways. And so I know that a year from now I will look back on myself at this point and be amazed at my growth. I've never been really patient though. It's a weakness, especially when it comes to love.
It does me no good just to ignore it. I need to talk through this and figure out what is right for me. (God why can't it just be right for me to fall into a big sturdy man's arms and have all my pain taken away ;) )
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