Having a rough night. Not really sure I can sleep until I get my thoughts out of my head and explore them a bit.
I had a wonderful dinner with all of my friends this evening, wonderful in the sense that I am so lucky to have such amazing, honest, supportive friends. One of the girls tonight let us know that she is just about to go through what I have gone through over the past year and a half, filing for divorce this week. She is my age and also has young kids. I knew somewhat it was coming, but hearing it "officially" tonight brought back lots of old feelings and emotions that I didn't know were still there. I am proud to have come as far as I have come, and to see her starting out at the beginning of that journey knowing what lies ahead is really emotional and bittersweet. I am so proud of her, so so proud of her, and know that she is doing, as she has always done, what is best for herself and her family. I am glad she has us, too. I would never, ever have made it through the past year without my friends, all of them.
On the way home I was riding with another girlfriend and we were discussing where I've been and where I'm at now. We were talking about the past week with my boyfriend being home, and she said something that really jumped out at me that I don't think I wanted to hear, but knew was true...not only when she said it, but all along. "You know from your last relationship that you have a tendency towards co-dependence".
There it was, staring me in the face. It's totally happening again. I joked about it at dinner with my girls, how thank God Mr. Wonderful is healthy and has boundaries because I just want to eat him up and never let him go. I attributed my neediness all week to having him gone for so long and finally back, and yes maybe that is catalyzing it, but it's there. I'm totally falling down the co-dependent slope again. Goddammit!!
And then begins the self-hate talk....I'm such a fuck up....why did I jump into a relationship when I wasn't ready, obviously...I'm not healthy...I'm never going to be healthy....I'm never going to be happy.....the spiral of self-destruction begins.
But I decided to come here and be honest about my feelings instead. I really don't want to do this. I really want to close my eyes and put my hands over my ears and yell "lalalalalalala I'M NOT LISTENING!!"
Mr. Wonderful deserves better than that though. And *I* deserve better than this. I hate feeling this way, so needy and incomplete without him next to me. And how exactly did this happen so fast, and without me admitting it??? It's crazy what the mind tells itself.
It's not that it's out of control yet. I still worked out this week, but barely. I tried to follow my diet but gave up by the end of the week, because he's not following one yet. I threw little fits when he wouldn't spend the night on the nights I didn't have my kids (he, unlike me, finds value in saving some things for later....I want it ALL. RIGHT. NOW.)
This is a recipe for disaster. I know it is. I have to stop it right now, but I'm sort of clueless as to how. I am fine and then he comes around and all of my resolve just melts away, like he is a drug or something that I cannot resist. Maybe some might find that sweet, but I find it scary.
It took me a good 6 months to be ok with being alone at night in my bed. Not only ok, with it, but happier that way. No one snoring, no one stealing covers, no one disturbing my rest, no one but me and maybe one of my babies every now and then. And in one foul swoop, after having him here a week, I am suddenly straight up miserable without him here and pathetic. UGH that pisses me off.
Conclusion: I'm not ok. I wasn't ready for this. Does that mean I can't now make it work? I don't think so. I'm going to try...
So this week, back to my life, for real this time. Work, kids, family time, working out, cooking, eating right, friends, music, movies, all the things that make me happy and make me ME, including this blog. I need it more than ever if I'm going to make this relationship work and more importantly, get through it with my self in tact.
Once I get back on track it will be easier to figure out where my relationship fits in, rather than the other way around (I'm not going to fit my life around my relationship like I did last week).
At least I was able to be honest with myself tonight. That's a start.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
So Far
He's back!!!!!
I went to the airport Sunday night to pick him up. I got there about half an hour before he actually came off the plane. That 30 minutes felt longer than the entire 4 months. The anticipation was insane. Every person who walked through the revolving doors, my heart stopped.
And then there he was...just like I remembered him and nothing like I remembered him, giant smile on his face. It felt like he was walking towards me in slow motion, so I think I made my way straight to him. Kissed him for the first time in four very long months, embraced each other long and hard. It was everything I dreamt it would be.
I don't know how to describe what I have been feeling the past couple of days since he got back. I have tried to explain it to him, thinking maybe he was experiencing the same "surrealness" that I have been. My mind hasn't quite wrapped around the fact that this is the same man I have been talking to everyday for the past 4 months, although it does recognize him as the man I was with for 3 amazing weeks this summer. So I'm finding myself a little more guarded than I thought I would be, a little more reserved, although at moments that are coming more and more each day, that is melting away. It's a hard thing to explain, and I wonder if military wives know what I am talking about.
For one thing, there aren't emails twice a day anymore, which means less verbal communication. I wonder a lot what is going on in his head because I'm used to having a written run-down. When we're together we're just that, together....which is great, but there's nothing forcing us to talk about things. He's quiet by nature and this is taking some getting used to for me.
We're also trying to get on the same page regarding boundaries and expectations. We both knew this would be an issue for us when he returned, and it will definetly take some time to work out our schedules, just like it did when he first went back to Afghanistan.
But for the most part, we're having the time of our lives, getting to know each other all over again. I find myself staring at him constantly, trying to memorize his facial features and the way he feels. My mind is still in "OMG-HE-IS-HERE" mode, and it's hard not to want to just drink him up every second after doing without his physical presence for so long.
This is all after just a couple of days being together, I'll be anxious to see what transpires over the next month or so and we get into more of a routine. Hopefully my "neediness" will subside once I wrap my head around the fact that he is not going anywhere.
In the meantime I just have to focus on living my life the best I can and fitting him into it the way I fit the other aspects in that I love. I need to live a balanced life full of a little bit of everything that makes me happy.
I went to the airport Sunday night to pick him up. I got there about half an hour before he actually came off the plane. That 30 minutes felt longer than the entire 4 months. The anticipation was insane. Every person who walked through the revolving doors, my heart stopped.
And then there he was...just like I remembered him and nothing like I remembered him, giant smile on his face. It felt like he was walking towards me in slow motion, so I think I made my way straight to him. Kissed him for the first time in four very long months, embraced each other long and hard. It was everything I dreamt it would be.
I don't know how to describe what I have been feeling the past couple of days since he got back. I have tried to explain it to him, thinking maybe he was experiencing the same "surrealness" that I have been. My mind hasn't quite wrapped around the fact that this is the same man I have been talking to everyday for the past 4 months, although it does recognize him as the man I was with for 3 amazing weeks this summer. So I'm finding myself a little more guarded than I thought I would be, a little more reserved, although at moments that are coming more and more each day, that is melting away. It's a hard thing to explain, and I wonder if military wives know what I am talking about.
For one thing, there aren't emails twice a day anymore, which means less verbal communication. I wonder a lot what is going on in his head because I'm used to having a written run-down. When we're together we're just that, together....which is great, but there's nothing forcing us to talk about things. He's quiet by nature and this is taking some getting used to for me.
We're also trying to get on the same page regarding boundaries and expectations. We both knew this would be an issue for us when he returned, and it will definetly take some time to work out our schedules, just like it did when he first went back to Afghanistan.
But for the most part, we're having the time of our lives, getting to know each other all over again. I find myself staring at him constantly, trying to memorize his facial features and the way he feels. My mind is still in "OMG-HE-IS-HERE" mode, and it's hard not to want to just drink him up every second after doing without his physical presence for so long.
This is all after just a couple of days being together, I'll be anxious to see what transpires over the next month or so and we get into more of a routine. Hopefully my "neediness" will subside once I wrap my head around the fact that he is not going anywhere.
In the meantime I just have to focus on living my life the best I can and fitting him into it the way I fit the other aspects in that I love. I need to live a balanced life full of a little bit of everything that makes me happy.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
The Next Chapter
Tomorrow, Mr. Wonderful is scheduled to arrive home.
I can't believe this day is finally here. Even stranger is I can't believe how I am feeling.
I feel numb.
I don't know what that is about, I thought I would be jumping out of my skin. I do know myself very well and I know that numbness usually kicks in when I am totally overwhelmed with emotion.
Tomorrow marks a very, very new chapter of my life. I have been doing the single mom on my own thing for almost a year and a half now, and I am used to this life. I don't know what it's like to have a man around. As excited as I am because I love this man so much, I am nervous of the change. I can't put my finger on it exactly, except that I have read about this same emotion on other single mom blogs before. I think it's a fear of losing independence...something we fought SO HARD for. It's also a fear of the unknown. I don't know how this new life really works, and I sure don't want to screw it up. There is also a fear of the not so distant decisions about when to let the kids know about Mr. Wonderful. It took me two years to leave my husband because of my fear of screwing up my kids...so obviously the next step is going to weigh just as heavily on my mind.
What if I see him tomorrow and things are different from the way they were this summer, or even over long distance?
A big part of my divorce was adjusting to a new role, the role of single mom. I had related to other married women and wives for 12 years, and it took some time to see myself in a different light. I'm going through a little bit of that now. I'm sure I will love my new role, but it is different.
I believe strongly in my heart that once I see him, all my fears will just melt away and everything will click, just like they did in July and August and throughout our 4 month long-distance relationship. He is the best man I know next to my Dad, he loves me with all his heart, and he is everything I have ever wanted but didn't think existed. My fears are just that, fear....of the unknown.
Stay tuned......
I can't believe this day is finally here. Even stranger is I can't believe how I am feeling.
I feel numb.
I don't know what that is about, I thought I would be jumping out of my skin. I do know myself very well and I know that numbness usually kicks in when I am totally overwhelmed with emotion.
Tomorrow marks a very, very new chapter of my life. I have been doing the single mom on my own thing for almost a year and a half now, and I am used to this life. I don't know what it's like to have a man around. As excited as I am because I love this man so much, I am nervous of the change. I can't put my finger on it exactly, except that I have read about this same emotion on other single mom blogs before. I think it's a fear of losing independence...something we fought SO HARD for. It's also a fear of the unknown. I don't know how this new life really works, and I sure don't want to screw it up. There is also a fear of the not so distant decisions about when to let the kids know about Mr. Wonderful. It took me two years to leave my husband because of my fear of screwing up my kids...so obviously the next step is going to weigh just as heavily on my mind.
What if I see him tomorrow and things are different from the way they were this summer, or even over long distance?
A big part of my divorce was adjusting to a new role, the role of single mom. I had related to other married women and wives for 12 years, and it took some time to see myself in a different light. I'm going through a little bit of that now. I'm sure I will love my new role, but it is different.
I believe strongly in my heart that once I see him, all my fears will just melt away and everything will click, just like they did in July and August and throughout our 4 month long-distance relationship. He is the best man I know next to my Dad, he loves me with all his heart, and he is everything I have ever wanted but didn't think existed. My fears are just that, fear....of the unknown.
Stay tuned......
Sunday, November 22, 2009
My Top 10: How to be Single
I've been thinking about writing a post like this here lately, because of things going on in my friend's lives and because of comments I get on the blog from women who have just found themselves in my situation of going through a divorce. Here are some of my thoughts on how to do Single, and to do it well. (I've added links to the parts of my blog where I was going through these particular phases)
1-there is a period after you breakup with your husband or partner that feels like HELL. You feel like you can't stand to be alone, you feel needy, you feel vulnerable, you question everything, you want to run into the arms of the first person you see, or even the person who hurt you to begin with. It hurts and it hurts BAD. This is a VERY important phase. You MUST go through this. There is no skipping it. If you skip it or hide from it or even worse, go back to your ex during this time, it will come back to haunt you at some point, guaranteed and you'll be back here, only it will be worse. Don't be afraid of the pain. Feel it, get through it. Mourn what you had as if it were a death, let yourself be miserable for awhile. It's the perspective that you will need someday. It won't last forever!
2-Take a vow to not date anyone for a good amount of time. Why not? You have to learn how to not need attention or self esteem from someone else, and to figure out how to give it to yourself before you can be ready to get out there. It's setting the foundation for finding the right person someday, or hey, even not finding anyone and being able to be single and happy!
3-Take care of yourself! Eat healthy, exercise, buy yourself nice things that you love and make you feel confident. Do it in baby steps if you aren't already. Start by buying yourself one thing every week that you love (mine was pj's). Then maybe start a standing appointment to get your nails done. Then maybe drop unhealthy foods from your diet. Then try working out at the gym. This is building your confidence and self esteem from the inside out. You will learn to rely on how great it feels when you treat yourself so well, and you will eventually attract someone who can take care of themselves too. My mantra for getting me through this part: The best revenge is a life well lived (and eventually, you forget the revenge because you will just love how it feels)
4-Date yourself! Make a list of all the things that make you you and that you enjoy. If you don't know what you like, then try new things. Think back to things you liked to do in your childhood or youth that brought you joy. Seek those things out EVERY SINGLE DAY. You will soon learn that this is what life is all about, bringing joy into your own life and not waiting for it to come to you or for others to give it to you. Think outside the box, and try things /go places you would never have tried before. My list is here, it's the first thing I did when I started this blog. My favorite thing to do quickly became a regular Wednesday evening habit, I'd take myself to dinner and a movie. I stopped calling it "going to eat alone" and started calling it "taking myself to dinner". It's a small thing, but psychologically a big step forward.
5-See your friends OFTEN. You must find friends who are in the same situation as you. It is so important to have someone to talk to who gets it and understand. If you don't know anyone who has been through a divorce, try a support group, or ask around.
Having a close group of girlfriends is absolutely essential in getting through this. Get dressed up, get out of the house and be silly together. Laughter is so healing. Having your girls around will feed your soul and give you the support you need. Don't allow anyone around you who is toxic and negative though...it's important to be surrounded by positivity and listening ears during this vulnerable time, not people who will tear you down or question your choices.
Guy friends are important too. My brother and I are very close, and I also have a few other married guy friends that can help me out with things around the house. Sometimes it's just nice to have a man's perspective on things, or to just sit with someone and not talk about anything in particular. Men are good for that. It's also important to have healthy male role models around your children. I've particularly noticed this for my son, he thrives on having men around and really revels in that attention.
6-Loneliness is a normal, human emotion that we all experience, even the healthiest of us. Seeing girlfriends often will combat the loneliness. A big problem for me was lack of human touch, which we all need. I am a very affectionate person and sometimes the need for human touch was so overwhelming that it almost caused me to make bad or unhealthy choices. I found that getting regular massages helps with this tremendously. My girlfriends and I have a little place we go to that is cheap, they do 1 hour foot and back massages. It is a safe way to not only relieve stress but relieve the need for touch. I also cuddle with my kids at every opportunity, but that's probably a given :)
7-Focus on the positives of being single. No one dictates when you can go out or what you can do, how much money you will spend but you. No one leaves dishes in your sink or underwear on your floor. The house may be empty but it is tension-free. You are free to make whatever you want of your life, and it is so incredibly LIBERATING! You will come to cherish your single-hood more than you ever thought you would.
8-Once you are ready to date, it's all about baby steps. How will you know when you are ready?? When you are regularly making yourself happy and joyful and don't feel like you "need" anyone. You know exactly who you are and what you love and have become so attached to that that no one will ever be able to take it away from you.
It's a big step to get back into the dating pool, so do it slowly. Maybe focus on just flirting at first, and then progress to dating and all that stuff. You want to be totally sure of yourself and what you are doing. Know that you will meet lots of Mr. Wrongs, and that is a good thing. It will reassure you that you know now what to look for and that you won't accept anything less than Mr. Right. This is where being self-sufficient and really cherishing your singlehood comes into play. If you are not desperate to have someone providing your self-esteem for you, then you won't settle for the first jerk that comes along and shows interest. My mantra: It is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. I didn't believe it at first, sometimes being alone seemed way worse, but I truly truly believe it with every inch of my being now.
9-If you take one thing from this post, understand this: YOU WILL ATTRACT WHAT YOU ARE. If you are an insecure mess, you will attract someone who is just as much of a mess. Because what kind of person wants to date a wreck? Someone with issues. If you want healthy and strong, you yourself must first be healthy and strong. None of us are perfect and we all have hang-ups, but if at the core you are confident, independent, and centered, you will find someone who compliments that.
10-Keep tabs on yourself. I do this through my blog. I want to make sure that I am not slipping back into old habits by reading my own thoughts and analyzing myself and my behavior. For example, If I ever started to gain weight again or quit exercising, that would mean something is wrong, because the strong healthy version of me knows that I need to take care of myself to be happy, and I am responsible for my own happiness. If I stop doing the things that I love regularly, like hanging with my friends or seeing my Indie movies alone, then that is a warning sign too.
Hope this helps anyone who is struggling. It's a process, but one that is worth going through because the rewards are so so worth it. I would go through all of it again in a heartbeat to be able to get back to where I am today.
1-there is a period after you breakup with your husband or partner that feels like HELL. You feel like you can't stand to be alone, you feel needy, you feel vulnerable, you question everything, you want to run into the arms of the first person you see, or even the person who hurt you to begin with. It hurts and it hurts BAD. This is a VERY important phase. You MUST go through this. There is no skipping it. If you skip it or hide from it or even worse, go back to your ex during this time, it will come back to haunt you at some point, guaranteed and you'll be back here, only it will be worse. Don't be afraid of the pain. Feel it, get through it. Mourn what you had as if it were a death, let yourself be miserable for awhile. It's the perspective that you will need someday. It won't last forever!
2-Take a vow to not date anyone for a good amount of time. Why not? You have to learn how to not need attention or self esteem from someone else, and to figure out how to give it to yourself before you can be ready to get out there. It's setting the foundation for finding the right person someday, or hey, even not finding anyone and being able to be single and happy!
3-Take care of yourself! Eat healthy, exercise, buy yourself nice things that you love and make you feel confident. Do it in baby steps if you aren't already. Start by buying yourself one thing every week that you love (mine was pj's). Then maybe start a standing appointment to get your nails done. Then maybe drop unhealthy foods from your diet. Then try working out at the gym. This is building your confidence and self esteem from the inside out. You will learn to rely on how great it feels when you treat yourself so well, and you will eventually attract someone who can take care of themselves too. My mantra for getting me through this part: The best revenge is a life well lived (and eventually, you forget the revenge because you will just love how it feels)
4-Date yourself! Make a list of all the things that make you you and that you enjoy. If you don't know what you like, then try new things. Think back to things you liked to do in your childhood or youth that brought you joy. Seek those things out EVERY SINGLE DAY. You will soon learn that this is what life is all about, bringing joy into your own life and not waiting for it to come to you or for others to give it to you. Think outside the box, and try things /go places you would never have tried before. My list is here, it's the first thing I did when I started this blog. My favorite thing to do quickly became a regular Wednesday evening habit, I'd take myself to dinner and a movie. I stopped calling it "going to eat alone" and started calling it "taking myself to dinner". It's a small thing, but psychologically a big step forward.
5-See your friends OFTEN. You must find friends who are in the same situation as you. It is so important to have someone to talk to who gets it and understand. If you don't know anyone who has been through a divorce, try a support group, or ask around.
Having a close group of girlfriends is absolutely essential in getting through this. Get dressed up, get out of the house and be silly together. Laughter is so healing. Having your girls around will feed your soul and give you the support you need. Don't allow anyone around you who is toxic and negative though...it's important to be surrounded by positivity and listening ears during this vulnerable time, not people who will tear you down or question your choices.
Guy friends are important too. My brother and I are very close, and I also have a few other married guy friends that can help me out with things around the house. Sometimes it's just nice to have a man's perspective on things, or to just sit with someone and not talk about anything in particular. Men are good for that. It's also important to have healthy male role models around your children. I've particularly noticed this for my son, he thrives on having men around and really revels in that attention.
6-Loneliness is a normal, human emotion that we all experience, even the healthiest of us. Seeing girlfriends often will combat the loneliness. A big problem for me was lack of human touch, which we all need. I am a very affectionate person and sometimes the need for human touch was so overwhelming that it almost caused me to make bad or unhealthy choices. I found that getting regular massages helps with this tremendously. My girlfriends and I have a little place we go to that is cheap, they do 1 hour foot and back massages. It is a safe way to not only relieve stress but relieve the need for touch. I also cuddle with my kids at every opportunity, but that's probably a given :)
7-Focus on the positives of being single. No one dictates when you can go out or what you can do, how much money you will spend but you. No one leaves dishes in your sink or underwear on your floor. The house may be empty but it is tension-free. You are free to make whatever you want of your life, and it is so incredibly LIBERATING! You will come to cherish your single-hood more than you ever thought you would.
8-Once you are ready to date, it's all about baby steps. How will you know when you are ready?? When you are regularly making yourself happy and joyful and don't feel like you "need" anyone. You know exactly who you are and what you love and have become so attached to that that no one will ever be able to take it away from you.
It's a big step to get back into the dating pool, so do it slowly. Maybe focus on just flirting at first, and then progress to dating and all that stuff. You want to be totally sure of yourself and what you are doing. Know that you will meet lots of Mr. Wrongs, and that is a good thing. It will reassure you that you know now what to look for and that you won't accept anything less than Mr. Right. This is where being self-sufficient and really cherishing your singlehood comes into play. If you are not desperate to have someone providing your self-esteem for you, then you won't settle for the first jerk that comes along and shows interest. My mantra: It is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. I didn't believe it at first, sometimes being alone seemed way worse, but I truly truly believe it with every inch of my being now.
9-If you take one thing from this post, understand this: YOU WILL ATTRACT WHAT YOU ARE. If you are an insecure mess, you will attract someone who is just as much of a mess. Because what kind of person wants to date a wreck? Someone with issues. If you want healthy and strong, you yourself must first be healthy and strong. None of us are perfect and we all have hang-ups, but if at the core you are confident, independent, and centered, you will find someone who compliments that.
10-Keep tabs on yourself. I do this through my blog. I want to make sure that I am not slipping back into old habits by reading my own thoughts and analyzing myself and my behavior. For example, If I ever started to gain weight again or quit exercising, that would mean something is wrong, because the strong healthy version of me knows that I need to take care of myself to be happy, and I am responsible for my own happiness. If I stop doing the things that I love regularly, like hanging with my friends or seeing my Indie movies alone, then that is a warning sign too.
Hope this helps anyone who is struggling. It's a process, but one that is worth going through because the rewards are so so worth it. I would go through all of it again in a heartbeat to be able to get back to where I am today.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Life
So sorry to have been MIA. 1-There was a huge scare with my father (more later) and 2-I'm in the throes of the busy season with work.
The good thing about that is the weeks have flown by, and before I knew it I looked at the calendar and OMG MY BOYFRIEND IS HOME 3 WEEKS FROM TODAY!!!
My life is about to drastically change. The reassuring voice that can comfort me from 15,000 miles away is going to be reassuring me right in my own ear. The face that I've only seen pixelated through a web cam lens since August is going to be right in front of me to touch and kiss and feel...
I have learned so much through this process. I have learned how I communicate best, how to get out what I need to say, how to listen, how to acknowledge, how to show love to this great man. I have also gained such an appreciation for the little things. I have told him that I will never, ever take something like a kiss for granted. Every little kiss, everytime I call him when I need him and he comes right over, every dinner together, everytime we hold hands...I will cherish every second of it.
Last Monday my father's wife called my brother and I hysterical saying we needed to "get to the hospital right away and see our father". We were led to believe that this was it, the end. He had pneumonia and bacterial infections, he's lost almost 100 lbs (he's 5'11 and 135 lbs right now) and just has not improved at all. But all along, we have not expected to actually lose him. So I was in absolute shock and then total devastation when my brother called to tell me to come to the hospital. My sweet Mr. Wonderful was actually on Skype with me when I got the call, and talked me through it. I couldn't get dressed, I couldn't think, all I could do was sob hysterically. I drove to the hospital thinking this was it, it was time to say goodbye. Once I was there, I found out that my stepmother had been given misinformation and while Dad was in bad shape, this was not necessarily the end. (He has since left the hospital and been moved to a skilled nursing facility.) That? was the worst day of my entire life. I came home and felt as though I had been run over by a freight train. I got in bed at 2pm, got up once to say goodnight to my children (my mom came over and took care of them), got back in bed and didn't wake up until 8am the next morning. It took me days to feel like a normal human being again.
It makes me so happy to know that when things like this happen in the immediate future, I will have an actual arm around me, someone to come home to and just fall apart with, a chest to bury my head into, a supportive voice telling me it's all going to be ok. I know that would make my Dad happy too, to know his daughter has the support she needs, finally, to be able to make it through this impossible situation. Getting through the past 8 months of Dad's post-surgery nightmare alone has been almost impossible and I have found myself avoiding it just to stay sane. Maybe now that I will have support, I will be able to face it again a little more...visit more and be the good daughter that I want to be to him, because he deserves it.
Anyways, this is just one of many, many things that will be changing. I'm so incredibly excited for this next chapter of my life.
The good thing about that is the weeks have flown by, and before I knew it I looked at the calendar and OMG MY BOYFRIEND IS HOME 3 WEEKS FROM TODAY!!!
My life is about to drastically change. The reassuring voice that can comfort me from 15,000 miles away is going to be reassuring me right in my own ear. The face that I've only seen pixelated through a web cam lens since August is going to be right in front of me to touch and kiss and feel...
I have learned so much through this process. I have learned how I communicate best, how to get out what I need to say, how to listen, how to acknowledge, how to show love to this great man. I have also gained such an appreciation for the little things. I have told him that I will never, ever take something like a kiss for granted. Every little kiss, everytime I call him when I need him and he comes right over, every dinner together, everytime we hold hands...I will cherish every second of it.
Last Monday my father's wife called my brother and I hysterical saying we needed to "get to the hospital right away and see our father". We were led to believe that this was it, the end. He had pneumonia and bacterial infections, he's lost almost 100 lbs (he's 5'11 and 135 lbs right now) and just has not improved at all. But all along, we have not expected to actually lose him. So I was in absolute shock and then total devastation when my brother called to tell me to come to the hospital. My sweet Mr. Wonderful was actually on Skype with me when I got the call, and talked me through it. I couldn't get dressed, I couldn't think, all I could do was sob hysterically. I drove to the hospital thinking this was it, it was time to say goodbye. Once I was there, I found out that my stepmother had been given misinformation and while Dad was in bad shape, this was not necessarily the end. (He has since left the hospital and been moved to a skilled nursing facility.) That? was the worst day of my entire life. I came home and felt as though I had been run over by a freight train. I got in bed at 2pm, got up once to say goodnight to my children (my mom came over and took care of them), got back in bed and didn't wake up until 8am the next morning. It took me days to feel like a normal human being again.
It makes me so happy to know that when things like this happen in the immediate future, I will have an actual arm around me, someone to come home to and just fall apart with, a chest to bury my head into, a supportive voice telling me it's all going to be ok. I know that would make my Dad happy too, to know his daughter has the support she needs, finally, to be able to make it through this impossible situation. Getting through the past 8 months of Dad's post-surgery nightmare alone has been almost impossible and I have found myself avoiding it just to stay sane. Maybe now that I will have support, I will be able to face it again a little more...visit more and be the good daughter that I want to be to him, because he deserves it.
Anyways, this is just one of many, many things that will be changing. I'm so incredibly excited for this next chapter of my life.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Miss Independent in a Relationship
So I have now been in my relationship for 3 1/2 months, the majority of that time being over long-distance.
This post is basically here to grade myself on how I am doing on maintaining myself and my independence throughout this process.
After a year of establishing ME as a whole and healthy individual, I thought it would be easy to just slip right into a relationship and maintain that same routine and state of mind.
It is not. I catch myself, more often than I would like to admit, slipping into a state of co-dependence again. Mr. Wonderful is an amazing man who loves to take care of me. There are times when I can take that for what it is, and then there are times when I feel myself relying on it....and that just cannot happen. It's one thing for him to say he can't wait to come back and help me fix things up around my house, it's another for me to let things go and not even TRY to do it myself because I'm depending on him to take care of it, just as an example.
The thing I am struggling the most with is the whole diet and exercise thing. Mr. Wonderful is a bit of a health nut and in perfect shape; ladies....I mean...PERFECT ;). Way before I met him, I was taking care of myself, staying in shape and eating right because I like the way it makes me feel. He loves me, loves my body...but my own insecurity took over at some point and started whispering things in my subconscious about how I needed to be "perfect". I fight it, a lot. The minute I start doing it to look good for him and not because I like how it feels and because I want to take care of myself, it becomes something else and that much harder to do. The mental leap is astronomical for someone like me who has always struggled with the psychological aspects of weight gain and loss (history of anorexia, etc). I must continue to concentrate on being healthy for myself or it will slip through my fingers. I've got to think about looking good for him as a nice bonus, not the goal.
Other than that, I have maintained my friendships at the same level that they existed before him. I still see my friends regularly for girls nights out and have never turned down a night out that I wouldn't have before. I'm still doing all the things that I'm passionate about, like exploring music, having nights out and nights in with my kids, trying new activities and things, and traveling. Life still feels fulfilling outside of the relationship. Work is going better than ever; I feel more inspired than I ever have, and I think my work is reflecting the fulfillment I have found.
I know things will change again once he is home (in HELLOOOO....34 days!!!) and we will be able to physically be together and fit a whole new routine into each other's schedules. But he is just as independent as I am, has his own group of friends who value his time as much as my friends value mine. He also has his own passions and interests that he can't wait to pursue. Some of those I'll be joining him for, others he'll do on his own. The goal is to be two happy and fulfilled individuals whose interests overlap at some points, spend time together when we can and as much as possible without losing ourselves in the process. I know it won't be perfect...nothing about this whole process has been...but I really do think I'm doing the best I can after being in such an unhealthy place for 12 long years (really, longer).
There have been times when I have felt that being alone and still single would be easier. Everytime we have a really difficult disagreement or have to come to a compromise on something, I do somewhat miss the days of not having to "answer" to anyone. When decisions were just mine and I didn't have to think of anyone else's feelings or situation. Many times over the year that I was living alone, I would cringe when a friend couldn't go out because her husband didn't want her to, or she maybe felt guilty about being away from the family too much. Being happy about not answering to anyone but myself on my nights away from the kids became a way to help myself cope with being alone: I allowed it to become a "positive", and for good reason. Now I'm having trouble letting go of that. And make no mistake, I'm holding onto a little bit of it. I will always make my own decisions, while yes, being considerate of other's feelings and opinions, but if I want to do something and it's not hurting anyone, I'll do it.
But in the grand scheme of things, it's worth it. I love him, everything about him, and he loves me like no one ever has. Our love is truly special, one that doesn't come along often. I've come close to losing it more than once and I know that this is what I want. I can't wait to have him here in my life and see where that road takes us.
This post is basically here to grade myself on how I am doing on maintaining myself and my independence throughout this process.
After a year of establishing ME as a whole and healthy individual, I thought it would be easy to just slip right into a relationship and maintain that same routine and state of mind.
It is not. I catch myself, more often than I would like to admit, slipping into a state of co-dependence again. Mr. Wonderful is an amazing man who loves to take care of me. There are times when I can take that for what it is, and then there are times when I feel myself relying on it....and that just cannot happen. It's one thing for him to say he can't wait to come back and help me fix things up around my house, it's another for me to let things go and not even TRY to do it myself because I'm depending on him to take care of it, just as an example.
The thing I am struggling the most with is the whole diet and exercise thing. Mr. Wonderful is a bit of a health nut and in perfect shape; ladies....I mean...PERFECT ;). Way before I met him, I was taking care of myself, staying in shape and eating right because I like the way it makes me feel. He loves me, loves my body...but my own insecurity took over at some point and started whispering things in my subconscious about how I needed to be "perfect". I fight it, a lot. The minute I start doing it to look good for him and not because I like how it feels and because I want to take care of myself, it becomes something else and that much harder to do. The mental leap is astronomical for someone like me who has always struggled with the psychological aspects of weight gain and loss (history of anorexia, etc). I must continue to concentrate on being healthy for myself or it will slip through my fingers. I've got to think about looking good for him as a nice bonus, not the goal.
Other than that, I have maintained my friendships at the same level that they existed before him. I still see my friends regularly for girls nights out and have never turned down a night out that I wouldn't have before. I'm still doing all the things that I'm passionate about, like exploring music, having nights out and nights in with my kids, trying new activities and things, and traveling. Life still feels fulfilling outside of the relationship. Work is going better than ever; I feel more inspired than I ever have, and I think my work is reflecting the fulfillment I have found.
I know things will change again once he is home (in HELLOOOO....34 days!!!) and we will be able to physically be together and fit a whole new routine into each other's schedules. But he is just as independent as I am, has his own group of friends who value his time as much as my friends value mine. He also has his own passions and interests that he can't wait to pursue. Some of those I'll be joining him for, others he'll do on his own. The goal is to be two happy and fulfilled individuals whose interests overlap at some points, spend time together when we can and as much as possible without losing ourselves in the process. I know it won't be perfect...nothing about this whole process has been...but I really do think I'm doing the best I can after being in such an unhealthy place for 12 long years (really, longer).
There have been times when I have felt that being alone and still single would be easier. Everytime we have a really difficult disagreement or have to come to a compromise on something, I do somewhat miss the days of not having to "answer" to anyone. When decisions were just mine and I didn't have to think of anyone else's feelings or situation. Many times over the year that I was living alone, I would cringe when a friend couldn't go out because her husband didn't want her to, or she maybe felt guilty about being away from the family too much. Being happy about not answering to anyone but myself on my nights away from the kids became a way to help myself cope with being alone: I allowed it to become a "positive", and for good reason. Now I'm having trouble letting go of that. And make no mistake, I'm holding onto a little bit of it. I will always make my own decisions, while yes, being considerate of other's feelings and opinions, but if I want to do something and it's not hurting anyone, I'll do it.
But in the grand scheme of things, it's worth it. I love him, everything about him, and he loves me like no one ever has. Our love is truly special, one that doesn't come along often. I've come close to losing it more than once and I know that this is what I want. I can't wait to have him here in my life and see where that road takes us.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Badass Single Mom
I love calling myself that. It feels pretty empowering. And this past week I think I sort of earned it.
The beginning of October is totally nuts for me. My birthday is Sept 30th, then comes my son's birthday, then the next day my youngest's birthday, then on the 10th of October is the anniversary I dread all year, the day my first baby girl was stillborn.
So here is what I accomplished this past week:
-attended family birthday party w/ all three kids in tow at a pizza buffet
-woke my son up on his birthday morning with a gift and a twinkie
-cooked homemade meal and made/decorated a cake for my son for that evening (he declared it the best meal EVER)
-woke my youngest up the next morning for her bday w/ gift and a twinkie
-tolerated dinner at my exes home for her birthday dinner that evening
-managed to find a last minute cake and party favors for my son's rollerskating party for Friday afternoon, hosted with no help from the Ex (but thank God for my mom)
-hosted a sleepover for son's two close friends after the party
-Somehow made it through the anniversary of my daughter's death Saturday by plenty of encouragment and love from Mr. Wonderful and support of great friends
-that evening hosted Youngest daughter's birthday party at a bouncehouse venue and then at ice cream shop (again w/ no help or even ATTENDANCE from the ex)
-Sunday got super ambitious and took all three kids to the State Fair, managed to stay on a pretty good budget and fun was still had by all.
Not too shabby for one person, right?
Things are looking a little rough again...I was denied for health insurance, my a/c is broken and going to cost a bundle to fix, money is so tight that I'm starting to seriously panic, and business is fairly slow considering it's usually my "rush" time of year. My father was also admitted to the hospital today from his rehab facility and I have no idea what is going on with that.
But as I told my friend today who was worried about me, I'm really just exhausted. Doing this all on my own is tough. Sometimes I just have moments where I need to throw a little temper tantrum and be mad at the world and declare the unfairness of my situation, just to get it out. I can't always be positive or Susie Sunshine. Then it's over and I can buckle down and figure it out, just like I always have. Sometimes I just seriously can't believe how hard life can be. But I know there are plenty of good things for me and I just need to fight for them. The fight will be tough but I'll gain more than those who never struggle. I have to believe that.
The beginning of October is totally nuts for me. My birthday is Sept 30th, then comes my son's birthday, then the next day my youngest's birthday, then on the 10th of October is the anniversary I dread all year, the day my first baby girl was stillborn.
So here is what I accomplished this past week:
-attended family birthday party w/ all three kids in tow at a pizza buffet
-woke my son up on his birthday morning with a gift and a twinkie
-cooked homemade meal and made/decorated a cake for my son for that evening (he declared it the best meal EVER)
-woke my youngest up the next morning for her bday w/ gift and a twinkie
-tolerated dinner at my exes home for her birthday dinner that evening
-managed to find a last minute cake and party favors for my son's rollerskating party for Friday afternoon, hosted with no help from the Ex (but thank God for my mom)
-hosted a sleepover for son's two close friends after the party
-Somehow made it through the anniversary of my daughter's death Saturday by plenty of encouragment and love from Mr. Wonderful and support of great friends
-that evening hosted Youngest daughter's birthday party at a bouncehouse venue and then at ice cream shop (again w/ no help or even ATTENDANCE from the ex)
-Sunday got super ambitious and took all three kids to the State Fair, managed to stay on a pretty good budget and fun was still had by all.
Not too shabby for one person, right?
Things are looking a little rough again...I was denied for health insurance, my a/c is broken and going to cost a bundle to fix, money is so tight that I'm starting to seriously panic, and business is fairly slow considering it's usually my "rush" time of year. My father was also admitted to the hospital today from his rehab facility and I have no idea what is going on with that.
But as I told my friend today who was worried about me, I'm really just exhausted. Doing this all on my own is tough. Sometimes I just have moments where I need to throw a little temper tantrum and be mad at the world and declare the unfairness of my situation, just to get it out. I can't always be positive or Susie Sunshine. Then it's over and I can buckle down and figure it out, just like I always have. Sometimes I just seriously can't believe how hard life can be. But I know there are plenty of good things for me and I just need to fight for them. The fight will be tough but I'll gain more than those who never struggle. I have to believe that.
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