Crack

UGH.

He has decided to go ahead with his plan to talk to the family member. I am so furious about this.

My thoughts after a day of mulling it over? Is he trying to create drama with me because at least we are now conversing? Is this a sick way of keeping me in his world?

Or is he just that selfish? (probably both)

He at least decided to wait until after my dad's surgery. I hope he reconsiders after some time. He is only doing this for revenge and when it all blows up in his face he is going to regret it. Except that it won't just be his face it blows up in. The family member is going to be furious at me for opening my mouth. I am so mad at myself for confiding this in my husband right now...but he was my husband, I thought we were supposed to not keep secrets. Ha.

Anyways.

Here is what else is on my mind...

I was talking to my friends who were with me on Valentine's Day about the guy I met. I have found myself thinking about him alot. I try to force it out of my head and focus on other things, but he seems to slip back in there. It's like a shot of happiness or something. Ugh what IS that? It's annoying me. I am not supposed to be thinking about guys or dating or anything like that. I need time to recover, I haven't even started the divorce process yet. I totally see how people get trapped into new relationships so suddenly. My life has been such a thunderstorm, and having him around was like this amazing ray of sunshine...and damn it I want more sunshine!! I am trying to figure out the healthy way to handle this. Do I just wait until I forget about it, try to keep forcing it out of my mind? Is there something I need to be doing so that I don't fall into something new before I'm ready?

My marriage to my husband was dead and lonely years before it fell apart. I feel like I have been alone forever, not just months. Having a hand on my hand...wanting eyes looking directly into mine...sharing laughs...it's like crack right now!! I want more crack!!!

Ms. Single Mama just had a very timely post over at her blog about this exact subject. I've been reading it and the comments over and over again, trying to soak it in. I look back at who I was just a year ago, just 6 months ago even...and can't believe how far I've come in so many ways. And so I know that a year from now I will look back on myself at this point and be amazed at my growth. I've never been really patient though. It's a weakness, especially when it comes to love.

It does me no good just to ignore it. I need to talk through this and figure out what is right for me. (God why can't it just be right for me to fall into a big sturdy man's arms and have all my pain taken away ;) )